Christmas Shopping Ideas

I was in Radio Shack the other day just to pick up some connectors for a project I was working on.  When I walked in the door, there were four different sized television sets on and all tuned to the same channel…a channel that blurs certain body parts of the anatomy.  Seriously????   Does the retail environment have to resort to tactics like this to get people to buy?  Or is that just entertainment for the clerks at Radio Shack?

Okay, you know those hats that are lined with the same material you see on doggie beds?  The hats that you pull down over your ears and the bill can be flipped up and the lining shows…the ones that allow the snaps, strings, or buckles to hang down like pigtails?   Is there someone on your list that you really don’t care for…these would be perfect since the make everyone that wears them look like a prisoner that has just been released.

Remember, if your secret Santa gives you chocolates there is a very good chance that they are re-gifted as they would rather see the extra weight on your waistline rather than on their own.  Are you going to re-gift the chocolates too? 

Enjoy your holiday and keep your sense of humor!

Leftover candy from Halloween

Instead of telling you 50 ways to use the leftover candy from Halloween:  I say, “Toss it out!”  You can thank me later.

The only good candy is candy in pictures.  It looks delicious, but you can’t smell it (unless it is in a scratch and sniff book) but do you know where the previous fingernails have been?  Do you really want to go there?  You can’t eat it (even in secret)… and it never goes to your hips or waist because it can’t be eaten.  The perfect candy!

Do you regret buying all that candy when you knew there were only going to be a handful of kids coming to your door to “trick or treat” last night?  Or did you get an abundance of candy as your reward for being so generous to little children that dress in silly costumes and walk up and down the block in the dark yelling “trick or treat” after they ring people’s doorbell? 

Halloween is the time when the rules go out the window, it appears.  Children can be outside alone walking the streets after dark, they can approach strangers, panhandle for candy, and drag all the crap…I mean, candy back to their house without consequences.

Did you promise yourself that you would not buy candy this year but did it anyway?  You remembered your training in the scouts:  always be prepared, didn’t you?

Did you buy the candy you like or what you thought the little munchkins would enjoy?  Did you do your research?  Or did you just buy what was “on sale” the day you visited the store?

Were you thinking about how many cavities you were contributing to this year?  Hmmm.  How about how much money that will cost you as a taxpayer this year to fix those little teeth in Medicaid costs?  Hmmm.

One more thing: Remember the wicked witch from the Wizard of Oz?  She melted because the water had sugar in it, not from the water itself.  Why do you think that little bit of water killed her and put out the fire on the scarecrow?  Pure water can’t do that!

Guess we found one good way to use sugar after all…

Why Ethel Had to Change Hotels

Last week, my friend Ethel checked into a motel on her 68th birthday and she           was a bit lonely.          She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages." She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a quarter off his well oiled bum.... She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call. "Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?". . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?" He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

The Upside of the Recession

The recession has hit everybody really hard...

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of
pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds" you call
them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it so they
re-possessed her.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island Casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

And finally ...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs,
my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., that I called the
Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan and when I told them
I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a
truck.

Trivia for Your Entertainment

Humorous Signs Found On Businesses

Sign on an electrician's truck: -- Let us remove your shorts. Maternity Clothes Shop: -- We are open on labor day. Non-smoking area: -- If we see you smoking we will assume you're on fire and take appropriate action. On a Maternity Room Door: -- Push, Push, Push. On a Front Door: -- Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian -- except the dog. Optometrist's Office: -- If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place. Scientist's Door: -- Gone fission Taxidermist Window: -- We really know our stuff. Podiatrist's Window: -- Time wounds all heels. Butcher's window: -- Let me meat your needs. Used Car Lot: -- Second-hand cars in first crash condition. Sign on Fence: -- Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive. Car Dealership: -- The best way to get back on your feet: miss a car payment. Muffler Shop: -- No appointment necessary; we'll hear you coming. Hotel: -- Help wanted. We need inn-experienced people. Auto Body Shop: -- May we have the next dents? Sign in an office: -- We shoot every 3rd salesman. The 2nd one just left. Veterinarian's Waiting Room: -- Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay! The Electric Company: -- We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be. Beauty Shop: -- Dye now! Garbage Truck: -- We've got what it takes to take what you've got. Computer Store: -- Out for a quick byte Diner Window: -- Don't stand there and be hungry. Come in and get fed up. Bowling Alley: -- Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop. Cafeteria: -- Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want. Music Library: -- Bach in a minuet. Funeral Home: -- Drive carefully; we'll wait.

Humorous Mottos for States in the U.S.

State Mottos Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong! Arizona: Dehyd-rific! Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing California: As Seen on TV Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character Delaware: We Were the First, Damit, and Don't You Forget It! Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money) Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good Illinois: Gateway to Iowa Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free Iowa: Land of James T. Kirk Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign Maine: Cheap Lobster Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets) Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians Minnesota: For Sale Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, and Very Little Else Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest Nevada: Whores and Poker! New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here! New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable North Dakota: Um... We've got... Um... Dinosaur Bones? Yeah, Dinosaur Bones! Ohio: Don't Judge Us by Cleveland Oklahoma: Like the Play, Only No Singing Oregon: Spotted Owl, It's What's For Dinner Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota Tennessee: The Educashun State Texas: Se Hablo Ingles Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus Vermont: Yep Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix? Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers! Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor? West Virginia: One Big Happy Family -- Really! Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese Wyoming: Wynot?

Drama! Are we addicted?

The drama shows are rated as the highest watched shows on television. We all seem to enjoy passing the time watching these dramas, however, unreal they may be.  We get sucked in!  

Do you sometimes wonder why you are wasting your time watching a television show that is so crazy?  With so many people being pleasers in the world and hating conflict, I have to question why the shows are rated so high and who is watching them?   Is it the pleaser that secretly loves to talk to the television about these conflicts?  What makes television drama accepted when friends with that much drama in their lives generally drains the life out of us?

People talk about avoiding drama like the plague but the television ratings tell us something different.  Do we all secretly enjoy the drama when it is in another person’s life?   Do we need drama in our lives?

We are sometimes attracted to drama people.  Why is that? Don’t get me wrong, drama people can be a ton of fun too.  Their lack of boundaries make them that way.  It can be a very “extreme” relationship with them.

I got the opportunity to preview a new exercise video done by Mel B recently.  It is full of drama.  Mel B is vocal in how tough the exercises are the entire way through the video and almost slips with some cursing at one point.  The thing that I am critical of in exercise videos is that for some reason, the instructors rarely keep track of the repetitions and they continually work one side of the body more than the other. Shouldn’t keeping count be a “basic” if you are doing a video on fitness? 

I will admit that it was fun to see a celebrity sweat and complain about a work out but I had to turn off the volume to get through the routine.  The complaining and drama were distracting to the task.

I had to ask myself a few questions.  If this really is her routine training, I had to feel for her trainer!  I also had to speculate that if this is her routine, why was she complaining so much about it?  Should her muscles be use to it by now?  If you like drama (or just enjoy seeing someone in pain) you might check it out.

For me, drama is great for telling stories… just like television.  In REAL life it is called stressful and annoying!

Diet, Detox and Doodie

As women approaching a certain stage in our lives (old age) it’s only natural that we want to look our best. I myself have noticed those infamous crows-feet and laugh lines making their debut on my face, (not fair…I hardly ever laugh… And don’t all birds’ feet look the same, so why the crow?) Ms Nature is one cruel mother.

However, in defense of middle- agers everywhere, some of the blame has to be laid at the scientific community’s feet. We didn’t have all those warnings about the UV rays sagging, bagging, and prematurely aging our skin. "Back-in-the-day" sunscreen was just something that smelled like coconuts and was an oily mess to put on - remember when the wind kicked up at the beach and you ended up looking like a sheet of sand-paper?

Oh well, too late now. Or is it?

The first thing we need to do is get rid of that middle-age spread, those "quaint" love-handles and over-all flabbiness. I know, I know, I too have done the latest twist-and-tuck-tummy-crunches, riding a stationary bike till my butt went numb - it doesn’t work (especially when your consuming a bag of cookies while your peddling away…or is that just me?)

No ladies we have to start to think like Hollywood’s finest. Jennifer Aniston has been reported to eat only pureed food (a.k.a baby food) to keep her body looking tom-boy young.

Okay…I’ve tried baby food and I gotta say, I’d be thin too if this was all I was allowed to eat – It’s disgusting! Pureed green stuff is not appetizing, plus, you don’t know whether you’re eating spinach, peas, or algae (which it always resembles). And really, what’s the point here? Does the pureed food digest faster? Slid through quicker? Permanently ruin your taste buds? There’s no way I could stick to this. I would find a way to puree a cookie…hmmm… I wonder how many cookies I could consume if they were pureed?

Okay, so maybe this diet isn’t for everyone. But there’s always detox.

I remember when "detox" use to be something you did when you were an alcoholic. Now detox is becoming the "in" thing to do.

According to Jessica Simpson’s own "tweeting" she uses an "ancient Asian treatment" using Chinese Pu-erh tea and cupping. Apparently, the "cupping" involves a high-powered vacuum seal that will leave you with a painful welt.

Simpson was also quoted saying that when she was doing this she experienced "intense visions." No… Honey…that was from the blinding pain…or perhaps…drinking?

So forget cupping-detox. I saved the best to last.

You can now throw away all those old cold-creams and cucumber-on-the-eyes, there’s a new, hot way to get that ragged, haggled old skin looking bright and supple again - bird doodie.

That’s right ladies, this "Geisha Facial" goes way back and uses the…er…poop of Nightingales to help breathe new life into dry, tired skin. Apparently, Victoria Beckham (a.k.a Posh Spice from the Spice Girls band) is one of the proud users of this birdy-poo product.

Seriously?  Bird poop? Even if it is from a Nightingale (one of the more "elegant" avian, I suppose) would you really want to slather this stuff on your face? I got crapped on by a seagull once, maybe I should have bypassed the curse words and the flinging and flaying about to actually stop and appreciate one of nature’s wonders. I mean really, who am I to look a gift horse (or in this case, gift bird) in the mouth?

Perhaps, since the Nightingale is such a prestigious bird, we should rename those unsightly crows-feet, Nightingale feet. That should take the sting out of getting old. And while we’re at it, why not just puree up tonight’s main course? Oh and don’t forget to get the vacuum cleaner out and do a little spot-detox. We should all be looking good as new in no time. And if not…there’s always those "intense visions" to look forward to.

About the Author;

Sandie lee has been writing for 17 years and has been published online and in print in both the children's genre and women’s humor.  She lives in Ontario Canada with her Hubby of 15 years and her three feline "children."

Grocery Store Rant

I see more and more women pulling away from the stereotype of being shoppers.  I have never been a shopper…ok; a man shopper…what I mean is that I shop like a man.  I go in, get what I came for and leave.  I have no desire to look at and feel everything in the store.  I get online and do my homework then find the store nearest me (if I can’t buy it online with little or no shipping charges), go in, buy it (if it hasn’t been delivered to the store in advance) and get out.  Very efficient, I might add. 

The grocery store has been my least favorite places to shop since I have been an adult.  I believe the entire process is for Neanderthals. 

We have all this technology at our fingertips and we are still bothered by those carts with square wheels on them…and everyone in the store is having a different issue with the cart.  The carts seem to have a mind of their own.

We all play dodge ball, bumper carts, or some other child’s game in the store with our cart.  The cart we think we can control.  Never mind the people that leave their carts in the middle of the aisle…women use to be able to tell when men were shopping as this was their trick but now women are doing it too.  You know who you are.  You get a cart to take with you, not to leave in the aisle.

We start at the approximate same spot in the store each time.  We take the freshly stacked packages from the shelves and put them in our cart and we go through the entire store.  We cart all those packages to the check-out aisle and wait while being entertained by the headlines of the magazines or for some, the entire magazine. 

We unload the packages we just loaded in the cart on the gross rubber belt to aid the less-than-friendly cashier with their o-so-glamorous-job.  The cashier gets to wear gloves to keep the fluids from getting on them, but unless you bring your own gloves, you get to endure the mess of liquids on your hands, body and on the rubber belt.

After all that another o-so-sweet person puts your packages in plastic bags without ever asking what type of bags you like.  You can’t choose paper because no one knows how to actually pack groceries anymore.  The pride of grocery packing is ancient history.  So should grocery shopping this way be!  

We cart those purchases to our vehicle to unload them in the trunk/backseat then find a cart gathering place in the parking lot to place the used cart. It seems that we make it easier for the people working in the store than they make it for the consumers.  Then we drive the purchases home and again have to remove the bags from the trunk/backseat, unload the food into our kitchen and put the food away in pantry or refrigerator and do it all over again the following week.

THERE has to be a better way for our technology savvy society to get food.  Why is gathering food lagging so far behind?

Technology: Are We Over Connected

Do you ever wonder where the time goes in a day?  We are all so connected with our big screen TV’s, cell phones that are mini-computers, laptops with an extra screen, and of course our iPads, and iPods for music to pass the time, or some equivalent thereof to communicate with the world or… are they to shut off the world?

We go into any restaurant and are immediately faced with a big screen TV.  Once we sit down, we pull out our cell phone to see if we have an email, newsfeed on Facebook, or IM’s (even though we checked right before we got out of the vehicle.)

Are we really connecting when we can’t be “present” in what is currently happening in our life?  Is this the type of life you envisioned for yourself 5 years ago?

It is tough to fight the new technology gadgets that come out almost monthly in our world. I have to always ask myself if the gadget is going to make life easier or more complicated…here is my vision for the new gadgets:

I buy one and am elated as I feel my status in life has just gone up a couple of notches.   I walk straighter and feel taller.  The new gadget is HOT!  I am walking on cloud 9.

I am confused as to how to get the new gadget to do what it was advertised to do.  I pull out the instructions which tell me that the new gadget needs to be charged for 14 hours before use.  Ugh!  I plug it in and forget it for a while.

I get online and find reviews of the new gadget that tell me there are software issues and I conclude it was a bad purchase and is “limited” due to software issues. I return the purchase to the store and get a full refund minus a 20% restocking fee.  I state my case to the manager, which points out that their return policy, is right on the sales receipt.  What tha…? 

Now, I am frustrated and lighter in the pocketbook too.  My status deflates a few notches.

I realize that my life is great without the gadget and vow to keep upgrading my computer software and let the other gadgets come and go without any money changing hands…consoling myself with the words, “been there, done that.”

Haven’t we all?

Home Automation for the Paranoid

AJ Wilcox and I have teamed up on this post.  He has been a delight to work with and easy going about the project. Please visit his home page at http://wwwbigfishautomation.com. 

Home Automation for the Paranoid

Are you paranoid about the security of your home? Always worrying about someone accosting your house or hiding in your bushes? Let’s find out what is available to help alleviate those fears, shall we?

Outside

Before anyone can get into your home, they have to approach it. That's why security cameras were invented.

Motion-sensing cameras around the perimeter of your home make it a piece of cake to see anything happening on your property.  Just remember, there will be things that you can’t unsee later.  Consider yourself warned.

Cameras can be programmed to record to a digital DVR's hard drive ON MOTION - so no rewinding through hours of video to see which of your neighbors was snooping - your video will only contain the parts where something is occurring.

What if someone starts creeping around at night? You can get cameras that have an infrared sensor - better known as night vision. You can paint your face black to go undetected yourself…just don’t open your eyes.

Inside

Is your paranoia overwhelming? Are you afraid someone is going to get inside your home while you are away?  There, there… I understand your condition.

Security systems are very common.  Feel better, now?  No?  You want the bells and whistles too?  You want an integrated alarm system? You want motion detectors in your indoor cameras?  You want lights that automatically come on since you have forgotten where the light switch is?  You can have it all!

If you habitually leave the house without locking the doors, you can even get automated door locks.  You can pull up a map of your home (in case you haven’t seen portions of it for quite some time) on your iPad and see which doors are locked and unlocked.  Let’s see, is it green if they are locked or it is red? 

On The Go

Worried about your home while you are at work or in your car…you can just whip out your iPhone or Android, and everything is right there. Check the status of, or set anything, from anywhere.

Basically, no matter how paranoid you are, home automation exists to help you feel more in control of your life.  We all have our quirks!  It seems home automation can really save someone’s sanity. And, of course if you're in the Utah area, we know a great home automation company that can help with the setups.

3 Things to Keep You Safe in the Emergency Room

We all have things that happen in our lives that have taken us to the emergency room.  I am more dangerous in the emergency room than most people.  I am easily bored and the personnel do leave you alone most of the time…If I could only go to sleep, everyone would be safe.

Unfortunately, that is never the case for me.  There are way too many lights to snooze; too much activity to relax and most importantly, too many new toys to play with I don't have at home. 

One of the funniest things in the ER is the gowns they use.  Why are they cloth instead of the paper kind you get at the doctor’s office?  Putting on the gown is a test and if you can figure out how to snap the shoulders and arms and tie it yourself (in the back), they will treat your illness.  If not, well, you might be asked to leave. Why do they have a pocket looking opening on the right side at chest level?  If they use the opening for monitoring the heart, wouldn’t it be easier to get the patient to put the gown on with the opening in the front and do away with the pocket?

Another thing I noticed is that if a guy says his pain level is a four, the nurses say that he is masking it well.  If a woman says her pain level is four, the nurses wonder why she is in the ER.  If you are a woman and say to the nurse that your pain level is at a ten, she pretends you didn’t say that and backs out of the room, slowly.

In my few hours visit in the ER, I found a variety of toys that are fun to play with.  A bed that goes up and down; can be lifted and lowered in positions that would make anyone ill at some point.  You have to wonder why a patient would ever need to be in some of those positions but I guess there are all types of illnesses. 

In my small room, there were two hand sanitizers that never got used by anyone.  I have to question why two were needed in a room that small and I have to say that the locations of them were not ergonomically correct. 

The nurses do like to ask you if you are allergic to anything over and over again.  Can someone remember this, please?  You’re scaring me.  Also, they print off an entire page of labels with your name on them, the date you came to visit but only use one or two of them.  Why do they need an entire page of labels for anyone in the emergency room?  Everything in the room had a label on it by the time I left.  I even had my name on the door.

Oh, and I can’t leave out the exceedingly young person from the admitting office that comes to gather the $200 copay from you while you are in so much pain.   They are way too perky for a collection agency.

When it came time for me to leave, the staff said they would never forget me.  How great is that for people that see hundreds of folks every night?  I was so touched!  I wish I could remember their names but the drugs worked much too quickly.