The Queen has Spoken

Email from the Queen - an important announcement regarding the USA

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

------------------------

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

-------------------

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

-----------------

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

----------------------

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

----------------------

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

--------------------

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

-------------------

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

-------------------

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

---------------------

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

---------------------

11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

---------------------

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

--------------------

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

-----------------

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

---------------

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

Christmas Shopping Ideas

I was in Radio Shack the other day just to pick up some connectors for a project I was working on.  When I walked in the door, there were four different sized television sets on and all tuned to the same channel…a channel that blurs certain body parts of the anatomy.  Seriously????   Does the retail environment have to resort to tactics like this to get people to buy?  Or is that just entertainment for the clerks at Radio Shack?

Okay, you know those hats that are lined with the same material you see on doggie beds?  The hats that you pull down over your ears and the bill can be flipped up and the lining shows…the ones that allow the snaps, strings, or buckles to hang down like pigtails?   Is there someone on your list that you really don’t care for…these would be perfect since the make everyone that wears them look like a prisoner that has just been released.

Remember, if your secret Santa gives you chocolates there is a very good chance that they are re-gifted as they would rather see the extra weight on your waistline rather than on their own.  Are you going to re-gift the chocolates too? 

Enjoy your holiday and keep your sense of humor!

Leftover candy from Halloween

Instead of telling you 50 ways to use the leftover candy from Halloween:  I say, “Toss it out!”  You can thank me later.

The only good candy is candy in pictures.  It looks delicious, but you can’t smell it (unless it is in a scratch and sniff book) but do you know where the previous fingernails have been?  Do you really want to go there?  You can’t eat it (even in secret)… and it never goes to your hips or waist because it can’t be eaten.  The perfect candy!

Do you regret buying all that candy when you knew there were only going to be a handful of kids coming to your door to “trick or treat” last night?  Or did you get an abundance of candy as your reward for being so generous to little children that dress in silly costumes and walk up and down the block in the dark yelling “trick or treat” after they ring people’s doorbell? 

Halloween is the time when the rules go out the window, it appears.  Children can be outside alone walking the streets after dark, they can approach strangers, panhandle for candy, and drag all the crap…I mean, candy back to their house without consequences.

Did you promise yourself that you would not buy candy this year but did it anyway?  You remembered your training in the scouts:  always be prepared, didn’t you?

Did you buy the candy you like or what you thought the little munchkins would enjoy?  Did you do your research?  Or did you just buy what was “on sale” the day you visited the store?

Were you thinking about how many cavities you were contributing to this year?  Hmmm.  How about how much money that will cost you as a taxpayer this year to fix those little teeth in Medicaid costs?  Hmmm.

One more thing: Remember the wicked witch from the Wizard of Oz?  She melted because the water had sugar in it, not from the water itself.  Why do you think that little bit of water killed her and put out the fire on the scarecrow?  Pure water can’t do that!

Guess we found one good way to use sugar after all…

Why Ethel Had to Change Hotels

Last week, my friend Ethel checked into a motel on her 68th birthday and she           was a bit lonely.          She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages." She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a quarter off his well oiled bum.... She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call. "Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?". . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?" He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

Retirement Choices - Where To Live

There are many retirement choices on where to live. 

The choice can be crucial to your “golden years.”

You can live in Phoenix, Arizona, where ...



1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.

2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.

3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.

4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.

5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.

6. There 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!




You can Live in California, where ...



1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.

2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.

3. You know how to eat an artichoke.

4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.

5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.



You can Live in New York City, where ...



1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.

2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.

3. You think Central Park is "nature."

4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.

5. You've worn out a car horn.

6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.



You can Live in Maine, where ...



1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.

2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.

3. You have more than one recipe for moose.

4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.

5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and
construction.



You can Live in Texas, where ...



1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.

2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.

3. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.

4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Lou, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.



You can live in Colorado, where ...



1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.

2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, and he stops at the day care center.

3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.

4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.



You can live in the Midwest, where ...



1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.

2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.

3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.

4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"

5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"



Or, you can live in Florida, where ...



1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.

2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.

3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.

4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.

5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

As with all decisions, there are two sides.  Be sure you can live with your choice for many years to come.

The Upside of the Recession

The recession has hit everybody really hard...

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of
pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds" you call
them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it so they
re-possessed her.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island Casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

And finally ...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs,
my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., that I called the
Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan and when I told them
I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a
truck.

Trivia for Your Entertainment

Humorous Signs Found On Businesses

Sign on an electrician's truck: -- Let us remove your shorts. Maternity Clothes Shop: -- We are open on labor day. Non-smoking area: -- If we see you smoking we will assume you're on fire and take appropriate action. On a Maternity Room Door: -- Push, Push, Push. On a Front Door: -- Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian -- except the dog. Optometrist's Office: -- If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place. Scientist's Door: -- Gone fission Taxidermist Window: -- We really know our stuff. Podiatrist's Window: -- Time wounds all heels. Butcher's window: -- Let me meat your needs. Used Car Lot: -- Second-hand cars in first crash condition. Sign on Fence: -- Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive. Car Dealership: -- The best way to get back on your feet: miss a car payment. Muffler Shop: -- No appointment necessary; we'll hear you coming. Hotel: -- Help wanted. We need inn-experienced people. Auto Body Shop: -- May we have the next dents? Sign in an office: -- We shoot every 3rd salesman. The 2nd one just left. Veterinarian's Waiting Room: -- Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay! The Electric Company: -- We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be. Beauty Shop: -- Dye now! Garbage Truck: -- We've got what it takes to take what you've got. Computer Store: -- Out for a quick byte Diner Window: -- Don't stand there and be hungry. Come in and get fed up. Bowling Alley: -- Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop. Cafeteria: -- Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want. Music Library: -- Bach in a minuet. Funeral Home: -- Drive carefully; we'll wait.

Humorous Mottos for States in the U.S.

State Mottos Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong! Arizona: Dehyd-rific! Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing California: As Seen on TV Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character Delaware: We Were the First, Damit, and Don't You Forget It! Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money) Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good Illinois: Gateway to Iowa Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free Iowa: Land of James T. Kirk Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign Maine: Cheap Lobster Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets) Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians Minnesota: For Sale Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, and Very Little Else Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest Nevada: Whores and Poker! New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here! New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable North Dakota: Um... We've got... Um... Dinosaur Bones? Yeah, Dinosaur Bones! Ohio: Don't Judge Us by Cleveland Oklahoma: Like the Play, Only No Singing Oregon: Spotted Owl, It's What's For Dinner Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota Tennessee: The Educashun State Texas: Se Hablo Ingles Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus Vermont: Yep Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix? Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers! Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor? West Virginia: One Big Happy Family -- Really! Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese Wyoming: Wynot?

Playing with Words: A Favorite Passtime

PARAPROSDOKIANS

 

Every heard of them? Probably not by that name.

(A Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation.) "Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian. Examples:-

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Words of Wisdom

"The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."

A Group of Creatures: The Proper Terms

The dictionary informs me that the proper term for a group of larks is an exaltation.  Isn’t that descriptive?  An exaltation of larks!

You outdoor people probably think you’re smart and know all the terms for groups of creatures.

Let’s test your knowledge.

How about an easy one to start with?  What is a group of grouse? “Covey” you probably said thinking that was too easy.  Covey actually means “family” of grouse.  Actually, a group of grouse larger than a covey (family of 2.5) is called a pack.

To know the difference between a covey and a pack you will have to distinguish between members of the immediate family and distant relations who have moved in for a bit of freeloading.  This is not difficult since the freeloaders are the grouse that get up at noon and go around unshaven, asking “what’s for supper?”

Ok, now a little tougher.  What is the proper term for a group of ferrets?  Come on, don’t just sit there scratching your head—guess.  It is a business of ferrets.  What business are ferrets in…I think loan-sharking?

How about a group of geese?  Flock is correct, but only if the geese are standing around killing time.  If the group of geese is flying, it becomes a skein.  If the geese are on the water, they’re a gaggle.  If you said a bunch of gooses, you are banned from the contest and must now call yourself a “city folk” instead of a “nature lover.”

How about a group of elk?  They are called a gang.

A few of my favorites among the terms for groups of creatures is a crash of rhinoceros.  A group of toads is called a knot.  A group of bears is called a sloth.  Not exactly the visual I think of when I see a group of bears.

Here are a few others, just for fun:

A convocation of eagles

A charm of hummingbirds.

A skulk of foxes.

A chattering of starlings.

A mustering of storks.

An unkindness of ravens.

A siege of herons.

A leap of leopards.

A murder of crows.

When I come upon a group of anything, I call it a whole mess of them and am done with it!

Now that you have been educated about groups of creatures, try the quiz out on your friends.  No one will really care but everyone will be interested for a short while. 

P.S. No one will care if you use the wrong word for a group of animals that are licking their chops as they approach you and your friends in the wild.