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Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts

Sunday, December 7, 2014

APPLYING FOR JOBS 2014



Back in the day, we were concerned about the amount of words we used to advertise a position.  We were paying by the word after all!  Back then, we read contracts all the way through, no matter how long it took, and dotted our  I’s and crossed our T’s.  We didn't skim or rely on someone else to tell us what the contract said, we actually READ it…every word and understood it or we didn't sign it! Reading something thoroughly, due to technology, has become a thing of the past.  I don’t even seem to read texts thoroughly.

Now, our attention span has been reduced significantly by the multi-tasking we have done for so many decades.  When it comes to job advertising now, companies are posting their job descriptions and expecting people to actually read those things.  They are long, tedious and frankly, BORING!  Companies put crazy things in those job descriptions…asking for proficiency in software that may have existed for a short period of time, but only 10 people (all professors that don’t want another job) became proficient in it.  This really means the company has not invested their profits back into the company.  Oh, and they do the disclaimer on the job description saying that it is not meant to be an exhaustive list of job duties…even though it is, whether it is meant to be or not.

The hiring process is just as crazy.  Generally, the people they call for an interview look good on paper but certainly 50% of the time, the person doesn’t walk the walk.  The company wants someone to be a super hero and do all the things they can’t get the other employees to do PLUS the lengthy list of things on their own job description.  This means the conscientious person will become burned out quickly and move on as soon as someone agrees to help them go through this exercise again.

For some companies, the qualifications have little to do with the person that gets hired for the position.  The person that is hired, is the one that the interviewer liked (sometimes a mirror image of themselves) and not really the one that is qualified for the position or read that crazy job description all the way through and put those same bullet points in their cover letter.  As if the cover letter gets read by someone in the company.

We have all been there at one time of another, or will be.  Life, love and work don’t make any sense really. Life is only fun when you have a sense of humor about everything.



Saturday, February 11, 2012

The Queen has Spoken

Email from the Queen - an important announcement regarding the USA


To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

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11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

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13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.




God Save the Queen!


Monday, August 29, 2011

Retirement Choices - Where To Live


There are many retirement choices on where to live. 

The choice can be crucial to your “golden years.”



You can live in Phoenix, Arizona, where ...



1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.

2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.

3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.

4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.

5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.

6. There 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!




You can Live in California, where ...



1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.

2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.

3. You know how to eat an artichoke.

4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.

5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.



You can Live in New York City, where ...



1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.

2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.

3. You think Central Park is "nature."

4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.

5. You've worn out a car horn.

6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.



You can Live in Maine, where ...



1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.

2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.

3. You have more than one recipe for moose.

4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.

5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and
construction.



You can Live in Texas, where ...



1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.

2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.

3. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.

4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Lou, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.



You can live in Colorado, where ...



1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.

2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, and he stops at the day care center.

3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.

4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.



You can live in the Midwest, where ...



1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.

2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.

3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.

4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"

5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"



Or, you can live in Florida, where ...



1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.

2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.

3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.

4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.

5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

As with all decisions, there are two sides.  Be sure you can live with your choice for many years to come.

Monday, August 8, 2011

The Upside of the Recession


The recession has hit everybody really hard...

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of
pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds" you call
them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it so they
re-possessed her.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island Casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

And finally ...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs,
my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., that I called the
Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan and when I told them
I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a
truck.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new  definition. 

Here are the winners:


1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who is both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a
 hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating..
 

The  Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which  readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:


1. Coffee (n.) The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.) Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate (v.) To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.) To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.) Impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.) Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.) To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.) Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.) A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.) A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.) The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n.) A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.) A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.) The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.) An opening in the front of  boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Dead People Want Real Flowers



Do you ever wonder what a dead person may think of what we do at the cemetery?

I find amusement in seeing people walk around looking for their loved one.  Shouldn’t you know where they are buried?  Can you get a map at the care takers office?  Your loved one didn’t get to “take the better view” from the last time you were there.  They wanted to but got voted down.  If you could actually see your loved one in their casket year after year, would you hang out longer? Tell them how much they have deteriorated?  Or how much better they look now that their skin is gone?  Leave sooner?  Never visit?

Another odd thing humans do is give the dead plastic flowers.  What is that about?  Are the dead supposed to be grateful for THOSE ugly things?  Didn’t you love them?   Are you so cheap, you can’t get one real flower instead of going to the dollar store and getting a bunch of plastic flowers?  You should be ashamed of yourself!  That is pitiful.

When we drive by the cemetery do we think, “Hmmm…looks like that person had a real nice family…look at those colorful plastic flowers…they must be new to the cemetery as the sun hasn’t faded the flowers yet.” 

These people are dead, in the ground, buried and will not be coming back to life.  What are we thinking as living human beings? 

If you believe in the afterlife, why would you put flowers on their grave?  Don’t you believe they will be back?  Think of your loved one looking down from heaven at PLASTIC FLOWERS on their gravesite.  Tisk, tisk, tisk.  Is there no help for you?

What is the graveside service all about?  The dead person is thinking how horrible you look in black (or you finally look like a human) and how your tears don’t resemble Demi Moore in Ghost one little bit, when you cry!  But they are happy to finally get fresh flowers after all these years!  Too bad, you had to wait so long.

The first night in the cemetery has to be brutal since everyone wants to know every detail of what your life was like and what happened when you found out you were really dead…questions like, "how did that make you feel" come up...but then, it quiets down and you FINALLY get a good night of sleep! Then morning comes…the honeymoon is over; the noise is excruciating!  The lawnmower cuts the grass incessantly and if they weren’t dead already, the noise from that trimmer would put them out! 

You have to wonder how many of the dead people wanted to be cremated but someone in the family decided the burial was the wiser idea.  Why aren’t the dead allowed to have their wishes carried out?  Is anyone going to bring charges against them?  Will the dead ever find out?

Were you or are you afraid of cemetery movies?  No?  Then why don’t you visit your loved one after dark with those pathetic plastic flowers?

Friday, March 4, 2011

Tickling Funny Bones: 8 Tips for Writing Humor

Welcome, a humor writer with some helpful hints for writing funny stuff...
What makes something humorous?  Responses vary, but “humor” usually involves unexpecteds, unforeseens or exaggeration.  Humor breaks the routine and whisks us into smiles and silliness.  Think Lucy and Ethel in the bon-bon factory.  Abbot and Costello and Who’s on First?

When I was young and foolish I decided to try my hand at writing humor.  Folks cheered me on, insisting that mine was a truly wry – if not wicked – sense of humor.

I crashed and burned.

After weeks of staring at the computer, all I had to show for my efforts was a headache that’d give the Marquis de Sade cause for pause.  I not only hadn’t written anything that could be dubbed “humorous” by any charitable extreme, but the only “funny” ideas I came up with wouldn’t outlast the expiration date on a milk carton.

Sound familiar?  If so, take heart.  If not, kindly quit reading this piece and order out for dessert.
Well.  On my way to publishing a couple humor books and some side-splitting, insanely funny and Pultizer-Prize winning  articles (I made that last one up), I learned a lot about humor writing.  Since I’m such a nice lady, I’m passing these tips along for free:

1. Is Joke-Writing Different from Writing Humor?
Is the Pope Catholic?  Is rain wet?  Is Obama running for re-election?
There may be some “spill over,” but writing jokes and writing humor are two different genres.
A joke writer pursues the “ta-da!” moment followed by a canned laugh track.  Writing humor is more of an art form.  It’s a sustained chord as opposed to a tympanic crash.  Humor is to writing what a seven-course meal is to cooking.  Jokes are a quick trip to the drive-thru.  Comprende?

2.   Write what you know.
Doesn’t this sound like an echo from your long-lost junior high English teacher?  That’s because she (or he) was right.  Don’t try to impress people with how funny you can make an unfamiliar topic or event.  Start with your own experience and stamp it with your own brand of kooky.  (You can take that any way you like.)  If you get really good at charting the hilarious in territory you know nothing about, run for Congress.

3.  Put yourself in your story.
Unless you’re dull as dirt – and you know who you are – your readers want to

hear from you in the first-person.  If you don’t think your stuff is funny, chances are no one else will, either.  So unsheath your rapier wit, trot out your droll conviviality and craft your magnum opus like it’s the best thing since raspberry white chocolate cheesecake.  Try this: Tell your story as if you’re sharing it over a cup of coffee at the kitchen table with an old friend.  You could also picture yourself sharing your story with a new enemy, but I won’t be responsible for the consequences.

4.  Write in the first-person whenever possible.
Related to the incredibly incisive and sagacious advice above, use “I” in your story, vignette or article whenever possible.  Inject some of your personality into your writing. Find your “voice.”  Keep it active rather than passive.  This may take some tinkering and experimenting.  That’s alright.  Questions to ask along the way:

What are you passionate about?  Where do you like to go, spend your time, invest your day?  What makes this incident or event funny to you?  Who else will relate to this topic?
Give people a chance to get to know you.  Write from the heart.  This doesn’t mean sharing every minute detail of your life.  If you do, readers will doubtless expire of boredom by or before the end of your story.  So use your best judgment.  (This tip is null and void if you’re a felon on the lam, oyster eater, or cat lover.)

5.  Study the Masters
Stroll over to your local library and take a gander at some established humor authors.  Skim some books.  Are you chuckling wildly after a chapter or two?  What makes that chapter, paragraph, person or topic humorous?  How did the author construct his or her plot, characters, setting, tempo, and transitions?  Sometimes an ordinary occurrence can turn into an adventure in hilarity if the author tells it that way.  (Sometimes it can wind up a wrong turn down a one-way street, but let’s not go there.)

6.  Double check everything!
Thoroughly proof your manuscript before sending it out.  Nothing screams “amateur!” like typpos, missspeld werds or pore grammur.  Ask a  family member or friend to read your work.  They may catch mistakes you haven’t.

Read your piece out loud.  U’d bee soo-prized howe meny “oopses” yul find wen u reed yer werk alowd.  You’ll also get a better “feel” for important elements of humor writing such as pacing, dialogue, and voice.

7.  Rewrite, rewrite, rewrite.
How long did it take me to write my first humor book, Guys and Other Near-Humans? Or my next, how I got to be fifty and other atrocities?  (Subtle plug here, in case you missed it.)  Do you want the whole nine yards or the condensed version?  Okay.  Condensed version: about four years.  Each.  Just keep at it and be sure to pack a lunch.

8.  A final tip: Be patient with yourself.
Don’t take rejection letters personally.  Learn from them and those kindly acquisition editors - yes, there are one or two - so you’ll avoid repeating the same mistakes.

Keep writing and learning.  Keep an eye out for new material.  It materializes in the most unusual places: dead of night, while driving, in the shower, or arguing the nutritional merits of broccoli with an eight year-old.  Keep submitting and practice, practice, practice.

Humor writing is hard work.  What?!  Do you think I was born this funny?  So if you’re warming up your funny bone and planning to join the literary luminaries of the humor world, good for you!  Now stop reading and knock out some silliness and smiles!  Lord knows we can use more of both – and lots more dessert!
(This article apepars at the author's blog, http://www.KristineLowder.wordpress.com, and also appeared in the December issue of A Long Story Short.)

Thursday, February 24, 2011

10 Commandments for Urinal Etiquette

Warning:  Some may find this post offensive.


I am delighted to have a guest blogger this blog.  See Nicole's bio at end of post.


Having been on this earth for close to 50 years, I have seen my fair share of urinals. Women may wonder why men have such strong feelings about urinal etiquette, but if you are a man, you understand. There are just certain rules that every man should follow when he enters a restroom and needs to use a urinal. Here are the 10 Commandments for proper Urinal Etiquette.

Number 1

When going number 1, simply go about your business and take care of nature's call. You are there for one reason and one reason only. You need to relieve yourself from the build up in your bladder. Do not use the time to hum, sing or make any other funny noises. Keep your mind focused on the business at hand.

Number 2

This goes without saying, but I'll say it any way. Use the urinal for what it was designed to do. Never do number 2 in a urinal. In case you don't know what that reference is to, I will enlighten you. Don't do what both men and women do sitting down. Only do what men do standing and women do sitting down. Okay, never poop in the urinal. You may be extremely drunk or even totally angry with the owner of the establishment, but never do something that would upset your mother.

Number 3

Take good aim. Take a grip on your appendage and make sure you are aimed at the center of the urinal so that you do not cause any splash outside of the intended target. Be sure to stand close enough to the urinal so you won't miss. Caution should be taken when the urinal is set too low or too high as it can sometimes cause difficulty in directing the flow exactly in the right place.

Number 4

The "hockey puck" is there for a reason. Do not mess with the white tablet that sometimes rests at the bottom of the urinal. A very conscientious worker puts it there in order to keep the smell of urine from fouling the entire bathroom. A clean urinal is a good urinal.

Number 5

Selecting the right urinal is important. When you walk in to the bathroom and no one is there, simply pick any clean urinal. For some reason, I don't like the urinal closest to the door. If there are other people using the urinals, select one at least one space away. Never use the urinal right next to someone else, unless there is no other choice. It is better to step up next to someone than to stand patiently while they finish because you might be accused of trying to sneak a peek while they are exposed.

Number 6

Don't throw cigarette butts in to the urinal. First of all, you should not be smoking in the bathroom and second of all, it is a disgusting and filthy practice that someone has to clean up.

Number 7

Conversation should not be a part of urination. Don't answer your cell phone at the urinal.  It can wait until you leave the restroom. No one wants to watch you fish the cell phone out of the urinal.  You can call them back after your task is done.

Number 8

It is okay to use the potty for urinating when all the urinals are taken. Shy people can also feel safe behind the closed door of the stall.

Number 9


Urinals with dividers are better. This gives each user a bit more privacy and makes it easier to go.

Number 10
Stay away from urinals that are stuffed up and have liquid up to the top. The next pull of the handle might cause a serious overflow and a mess on your expensive shoes.

In conclusion, practicing good urinal etiquette is what separates the crude from the refined. As a society, we should strive to be the best we can be. Teach young boys proper urinal etiquette and they will grow up to be solid citizens of our country.

Nicole Rodgers has been blogging for 3 years; she currently helps people study for their DMV test and recommends sites to find free insurance quotes. 

Monday, January 3, 2011

4 Very Quick Reads

Some Things You Just Can’t Make Up


Here are a few things I found on the FML website for entertainment.  Some of the words have been changed to make them less offensive…



My mother called me downstairs to give me what I assumed was going to be "The Talk" (About four years too late). So she sits me down, holds my hands, and with the gentlest, most motherly expression on her face tells me, "Honey, if you ever come home pregnant, I'll kill you and the baby."

I was at my church’s spaghetti dinner with my family. My brother shook up my mom's soda, as a prank. My entire church witnessed my mom waving around an overflowing Diet Coke while my dad yelled, "Come on, put your mouth on it! Suck it! Suck it, Kathy!!"

We all say or do silly stuff at one time or another and wish that no one witnessed it.   Hope these gave you a chuckle.

Disclaimer:  Smiling and laughing may be good for your health.  Making the load of life lighter is always a great thing.