The Upside of the Recession

The recession has hit everybody really hard...

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of
pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds" you call
them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it so they
re-possessed her.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island Casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

And finally ...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs,
my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., that I called the
Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan and when I told them
I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a
truck.

Trivia for Your Entertainment

A Group of Creatures: The Proper Terms

The dictionary informs me that the proper term for a group of larks is an exaltation.  Isn’t that descriptive?  An exaltation of larks!

You outdoor people probably think you’re smart and know all the terms for groups of creatures.

Let’s test your knowledge.

How about an easy one to start with?  What is a group of grouse? “Covey” you probably said thinking that was too easy.  Covey actually means “family” of grouse.  Actually, a group of grouse larger than a covey (family of 2.5) is called a pack.

To know the difference between a covey and a pack you will have to distinguish between members of the immediate family and distant relations who have moved in for a bit of freeloading.  This is not difficult since the freeloaders are the grouse that get up at noon and go around unshaven, asking “what’s for supper?”

Ok, now a little tougher.  What is the proper term for a group of ferrets?  Come on, don’t just sit there scratching your head—guess.  It is a business of ferrets.  What business are ferrets in…I think loan-sharking?

How about a group of geese?  Flock is correct, but only if the geese are standing around killing time.  If the group of geese is flying, it becomes a skein.  If the geese are on the water, they’re a gaggle.  If you said a bunch of gooses, you are banned from the contest and must now call yourself a “city folk” instead of a “nature lover.”

How about a group of elk?  They are called a gang.

A few of my favorites among the terms for groups of creatures is a crash of rhinoceros.  A group of toads is called a knot.  A group of bears is called a sloth.  Not exactly the visual I think of when I see a group of bears.

Here are a few others, just for fun:

A convocation of eagles

A charm of hummingbirds.

A skulk of foxes.

A chattering of starlings.

A mustering of storks.

An unkindness of ravens.

A siege of herons.

A leap of leopards.

A murder of crows.

When I come upon a group of anything, I call it a whole mess of them and am done with it!

Now that you have been educated about groups of creatures, try the quiz out on your friends.  No one will really care but everyone will be interested for a short while. 

P.S. No one will care if you use the wrong word for a group of animals that are licking their chops as they approach you and your friends in the wild.

Drama! Are we addicted?

The drama shows are rated as the highest watched shows on television. We all seem to enjoy passing the time watching these dramas, however, unreal they may be.  We get sucked in!  

Do you sometimes wonder why you are wasting your time watching a television show that is so crazy?  With so many people being pleasers in the world and hating conflict, I have to question why the shows are rated so high and who is watching them?   Is it the pleaser that secretly loves to talk to the television about these conflicts?  What makes television drama accepted when friends with that much drama in their lives generally drains the life out of us?

People talk about avoiding drama like the plague but the television ratings tell us something different.  Do we all secretly enjoy the drama when it is in another person’s life?   Do we need drama in our lives?

We are sometimes attracted to drama people.  Why is that? Don’t get me wrong, drama people can be a ton of fun too.  Their lack of boundaries make them that way.  It can be a very “extreme” relationship with them.

I got the opportunity to preview a new exercise video done by Mel B recently.  It is full of drama.  Mel B is vocal in how tough the exercises are the entire way through the video and almost slips with some cursing at one point.  The thing that I am critical of in exercise videos is that for some reason, the instructors rarely keep track of the repetitions and they continually work one side of the body more than the other. Shouldn’t keeping count be a “basic” if you are doing a video on fitness? 

I will admit that it was fun to see a celebrity sweat and complain about a work out but I had to turn off the volume to get through the routine.  The complaining and drama were distracting to the task.

I had to ask myself a few questions.  If this really is her routine training, I had to feel for her trainer!  I also had to speculate that if this is her routine, why was she complaining so much about it?  Should her muscles be use to it by now?  If you like drama (or just enjoy seeing someone in pain) you might check it out.

For me, drama is great for telling stories… just like television.  In REAL life it is called stressful and annoying!

Grocery Store Rant

I see more and more women pulling away from the stereotype of being shoppers.  I have never been a shopper…ok; a man shopper…what I mean is that I shop like a man.  I go in, get what I came for and leave.  I have no desire to look at and feel everything in the store.  I get online and do my homework then find the store nearest me (if I can’t buy it online with little or no shipping charges), go in, buy it (if it hasn’t been delivered to the store in advance) and get out.  Very efficient, I might add. 

The grocery store has been my least favorite places to shop since I have been an adult.  I believe the entire process is for Neanderthals. 

We have all this technology at our fingertips and we are still bothered by those carts with square wheels on them…and everyone in the store is having a different issue with the cart.  The carts seem to have a mind of their own.

We all play dodge ball, bumper carts, or some other child’s game in the store with our cart.  The cart we think we can control.  Never mind the people that leave their carts in the middle of the aisle…women use to be able to tell when men were shopping as this was their trick but now women are doing it too.  You know who you are.  You get a cart to take with you, not to leave in the aisle.

We start at the approximate same spot in the store each time.  We take the freshly stacked packages from the shelves and put them in our cart and we go through the entire store.  We cart all those packages to the check-out aisle and wait while being entertained by the headlines of the magazines or for some, the entire magazine. 

We unload the packages we just loaded in the cart on the gross rubber belt to aid the less-than-friendly cashier with their o-so-glamorous-job.  The cashier gets to wear gloves to keep the fluids from getting on them, but unless you bring your own gloves, you get to endure the mess of liquids on your hands, body and on the rubber belt.

After all that another o-so-sweet person puts your packages in plastic bags without ever asking what type of bags you like.  You can’t choose paper because no one knows how to actually pack groceries anymore.  The pride of grocery packing is ancient history.  So should grocery shopping this way be!  

We cart those purchases to our vehicle to unload them in the trunk/backseat then find a cart gathering place in the parking lot to place the used cart. It seems that we make it easier for the people working in the store than they make it for the consumers.  Then we drive the purchases home and again have to remove the bags from the trunk/backseat, unload the food into our kitchen and put the food away in pantry or refrigerator and do it all over again the following week.

THERE has to be a better way for our technology savvy society to get food.  Why is gathering food lagging so far behind?

Evolution of Reading: We Are The New Scanners

Reading has evolved and I am not sure that what we currently do can technically be called “reading” as it is more “scanning” than actual reading.  We have become a society of scanners instead of curious people that want to read about the juicy details in stories. I am still “old school” in that I read ALL the words that are written.  Sure, I scan some articles but when it generally is just for research and not something I WANT to read.  Books cannot be replaced by computer screens of any kind, in my opinion.

I was recently given some expensive clothing from a friend and decided I didn’t have the need for it so I sold it on eBay.   I was very careful to put the material it was made of, the size (in black bold) large letters/numbers, and the brand of the clothing on the ad for auction.  I placed all the details I would want on the ad plus where the item might be appropriate to wear.  Some fabulous pictures (if I do say so myself) taken on a partial mannequin hanging from the ceiling.  It was just like taking photos of a model (only no drama and the mannequin didn’t require all that makeup since the head was a hanger)…

Hands down, the most asked question was “what size is it?”  Are you kidding me? I so wanted to reply:  “Are you #%^@*! BLIND…it is in BOLD on the advertisement you idiot?”  “You don’t deserve to have these expensive clothes since you can’t read!” “Let them go to someone who is more literate than you, PLEASE!”

I have a 100% satisfaction rating and want to keep it that way.  It is important to me.  So, I took a deep breath and realized everyone misses things when reading.

I changed into my cheery helpful oh so nice customer service hat, my brain kicked in and my fingers typed a reply that was much different than my first reaction.  More like:  “The size on your item is (brand name) size 0.  In real sizes that equates to a Misses 6-8 in other stores.  Remember that is has 5% spandex so it can fit up to size 10, depending on how you like tops to fit.  Please let me know if there is anything else I can help you with on this item.  All the best, THE extremely gracious seller.

Then there was another and another asking the same question.  I checked the ads to make sure the size was included and it was there in big bold letters/numbers, just like I wrote it.  WHEW!  I was beginning to doubt my own abilities of writing an ad. 

After I got past several of those, another person wanted the measurements from another item…not just size but actual measurements:  the measurements from one shoulder to another, the length from end of collar to end of garment, the sleeve length, inseam length and of course if I would bundle the shipping if she won more than one item. 

Okay, okay, I know these items were a REAL bargain.  If these measurements were crucial, wouldn’t you think the person would actually go buy it at the store on clearance so they could try the item on?  I would have.

I found a cloth measuring tape and carefully measured each one of the places twice to ensure accuracy and typed each one of the measurements (checked those also) with my customer service graciousness.  The person never bid on the item (no surprise) but it went to a very happy customer.

We are all guilty of not seeing things (or remembering them after we saw them) that are right in front of us so I did realize we are all human and can miss things.  I have done it myself…now, agreeing on me being human might be up for grabs…but that is another post.

I will admit that I was so ready to get rid of the items; I would have given them away after that experience if they hadn’t sold.  The experience was way to high-maintenance for me.  I packed the sold items and got them to the post office in the middle of a snow storm just to get them out of the house and have the experience behind me.  This may be my last eBay listing.  Somehow, I thought the caliber of people would be higher than craigslist.  What was I thinking?

Have you had similar experiences on eBay?