The Funny Side of Life: 10 Commandments for Urinal Etiquette

The Funny Side of Life: 10 Commandments for Urinal Etiquette: Warning: Some may find this post offensive. I am delighted to have a guest blogger this blog. See Nicole's bio at end of post. Having ...

The Funny Side of Life: 10 Commandments for Urinal Etiquette

The Funny Side of Life: 10 Commandments for Urinal Etiquette: Warning: Some may find this post offensive. I am delighted to have a guest blogger this blog. See Nicole's bio at end of post. Having ...

The Funny Side of Life: Paradigms: A Fun Exercise

The Funny Side of Life: Paradigms: A Fun Exercise: There is much talk about paradigms these days. Paradigms are not new. Many famous people have talked about them for decades. They ar...

The Funny Side of Life: The Complete Idiot’s Guide or the Dummies Book ser...

The Funny Side of Life: The Complete Idiot’s Guide or the Dummies Book ser...: Have you ever read these books? Do you feel like you must really be dumb when you don’t get what they are trying to explain? I do. I ha...

The Funny Side of Life: Dead People Want Real Flowers

The Funny Side of Life: Dead People Want Real Flowers: Do you ever wonder what a dead person may think of what we do at the cemetery? I find amusement in seeing people walk around looking for ...

Christmas Shopping Ideas

I was in Radio Shack the other day just to pick up some connectors for a project I was working on.  When I walked in the door, there were four different sized television sets on and all tuned to the same channel…a channel that blurs certain body parts of the anatomy.  Seriously????   Does the retail environment have to resort to tactics like this to get people to buy?  Or is that just entertainment for the clerks at Radio Shack?

Okay, you know those hats that are lined with the same material you see on doggie beds?  The hats that you pull down over your ears and the bill can be flipped up and the lining shows…the ones that allow the snaps, strings, or buckles to hang down like pigtails?   Is there someone on your list that you really don’t care for…these would be perfect since the make everyone that wears them look like a prisoner that has just been released.

Remember, if your secret Santa gives you chocolates there is a very good chance that they are re-gifted as they would rather see the extra weight on your waistline rather than on their own.  Are you going to re-gift the chocolates too? 

Enjoy your holiday and keep your sense of humor!

Leftover candy from Halloween

Instead of telling you 50 ways to use the leftover candy from Halloween:  I say, “Toss it out!”  You can thank me later.

The only good candy is candy in pictures.  It looks delicious, but you can’t smell it (unless it is in a scratch and sniff book) but do you know where the previous fingernails have been?  Do you really want to go there?  You can’t eat it (even in secret)… and it never goes to your hips or waist because it can’t be eaten.  The perfect candy!

Do you regret buying all that candy when you knew there were only going to be a handful of kids coming to your door to “trick or treat” last night?  Or did you get an abundance of candy as your reward for being so generous to little children that dress in silly costumes and walk up and down the block in the dark yelling “trick or treat” after they ring people’s doorbell? 

Halloween is the time when the rules go out the window, it appears.  Children can be outside alone walking the streets after dark, they can approach strangers, panhandle for candy, and drag all the crap…I mean, candy back to their house without consequences.

Did you promise yourself that you would not buy candy this year but did it anyway?  You remembered your training in the scouts:  always be prepared, didn’t you?

Did you buy the candy you like or what you thought the little munchkins would enjoy?  Did you do your research?  Or did you just buy what was “on sale” the day you visited the store?

Were you thinking about how many cavities you were contributing to this year?  Hmmm.  How about how much money that will cost you as a taxpayer this year to fix those little teeth in Medicaid costs?  Hmmm.

One more thing: Remember the wicked witch from the Wizard of Oz?  She melted because the water had sugar in it, not from the water itself.  Why do you think that little bit of water killed her and put out the fire on the scarecrow?  Pure water can’t do that!

Guess we found one good way to use sugar after all…

Why Ethel Had to Change Hotels

Last week, my friend Ethel checked into a motel on her 68th birthday and she           was a bit lonely.          She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages." She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a quarter off his well oiled bum.... She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call. "Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?". . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?" He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

Retirement Choices - Where To Live

There are many retirement choices on where to live. 

The choice can be crucial to your “golden years.”

You can live in Phoenix, Arizona, where ...



1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.

2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.

3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.

4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.

5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.

6. There 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!




You can Live in California, where ...



1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.

2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.

3. You know how to eat an artichoke.

4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.

5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.



You can Live in New York City, where ...



1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.

2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.

3. You think Central Park is "nature."

4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.

5. You've worn out a car horn.

6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.



You can Live in Maine, where ...



1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.

2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.

3. You have more than one recipe for moose.

4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.

5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and
construction.



You can Live in Texas, where ...



1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.

2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.

3. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.

4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Lou, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.



You can live in Colorado, where ...



1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.

2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, and he stops at the day care center.

3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.

4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.



You can live in the Midwest, where ...



1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.

2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.

3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.

4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"

5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"



Or, you can live in Florida, where ...



1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.

2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.

3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.

4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.

5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

As with all decisions, there are two sides.  Be sure you can live with your choice for many years to come.

The Upside of the Recession

The recession has hit everybody really hard...

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of
pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds" you call
them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it so they
re-possessed her.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island Casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

And finally ...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs,
my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., that I called the
Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan and when I told them
I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a
truck.

Trivia for Your Entertainment

Humorous Signs Found On Businesses

Sign on an electrician's truck: -- Let us remove your shorts. Maternity Clothes Shop: -- We are open on labor day. Non-smoking area: -- If we see you smoking we will assume you're on fire and take appropriate action. On a Maternity Room Door: -- Push, Push, Push. On a Front Door: -- Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian -- except the dog. Optometrist's Office: -- If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place. Scientist's Door: -- Gone fission Taxidermist Window: -- We really know our stuff. Podiatrist's Window: -- Time wounds all heels. Butcher's window: -- Let me meat your needs. Used Car Lot: -- Second-hand cars in first crash condition. Sign on Fence: -- Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive. Car Dealership: -- The best way to get back on your feet: miss a car payment. Muffler Shop: -- No appointment necessary; we'll hear you coming. Hotel: -- Help wanted. We need inn-experienced people. Auto Body Shop: -- May we have the next dents? Sign in an office: -- We shoot every 3rd salesman. The 2nd one just left. Veterinarian's Waiting Room: -- Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay! The Electric Company: -- We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be. Beauty Shop: -- Dye now! Garbage Truck: -- We've got what it takes to take what you've got. Computer Store: -- Out for a quick byte Diner Window: -- Don't stand there and be hungry. Come in and get fed up. Bowling Alley: -- Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop. Cafeteria: -- Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want. Music Library: -- Bach in a minuet. Funeral Home: -- Drive carefully; we'll wait.

Humorous Mottos for States in the U.S.

State Mottos Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong! Arizona: Dehyd-rific! Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing California: As Seen on TV Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character Delaware: We Were the First, Damit, and Don't You Forget It! Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money) Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good Illinois: Gateway to Iowa Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free Iowa: Land of James T. Kirk Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign Maine: Cheap Lobster Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets) Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians Minnesota: For Sale Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, and Very Little Else Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest Nevada: Whores and Poker! New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here! New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable North Dakota: Um... We've got... Um... Dinosaur Bones? Yeah, Dinosaur Bones! Ohio: Don't Judge Us by Cleveland Oklahoma: Like the Play, Only No Singing Oregon: Spotted Owl, It's What's For Dinner Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota Tennessee: The Educashun State Texas: Se Hablo Ingles Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus Vermont: Yep Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix? Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers! Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor? West Virginia: One Big Happy Family -- Really! Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese Wyoming: Wynot?

Playing with Words: A Favorite Passtime

PARAPROSDOKIANS

 

Every heard of them? Probably not by that name.

(A Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation.) "Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian. Examples:-

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Words of Wisdom

"The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."

Online Public Schools

Isn’t that an oxymoron?

Part of public schooling that has long since been forgotten except from people that graduated a few decades ago was carrying heavy books.  We had to pack the books from school to home and back again even if we never cracked them to do homework.  The books were checked out to us and we were responsible for them.  We knew that if we lost or damaged them in any way, our teacher would be disappointed AND we would be in a world of hurt with our parents.  Still, there are always a few kids that loved to push the limits of authority!

Now days, the kids have access to everything online so they don’t have to lug the books around.  They carry backpacks that are loaded with personal stuff but rarely is there an actual school book in the mix.

Food fights use to be uncommon when I was going to school but now it seems most people have enough money to buy the junk food offered in vending machines or are brave enough to go to the local convenient store and wait in line since only 3 high school kids are allowed in the store at one time.  Too bad, they really miss out on being able to make a real mess and having the janitor cleans it up (except for their own bodies)…

Choosing teams; no one has to work as a team after grade school since physical education is no longer in the schools and recess is gone in middle school.  Is it any wonder kids have a tough time when getting out into the working world? 

There is little interaction between students; not that all interaction we had was good but it did teach us valuable lessons in how and when to approach people to get what we want.  The bullies that were a part of life have now been outlawed.  We didn’t have that option.  We paid up or got beat up and suffered more than one consequence for it when we got home.

We had a senior ditch day where the entire class didn’t come to school; everyone does their own thing now so ditching isn’t really noticed any more.  Unless the child is gone more than an half the school year; then authorities are called in but the child still gets passed to the next grade no matter how they did academically because it isn’t good for their self-esteem to keep them back a grade. 

Lots of kids stole their parent’s cigarettes when I was in school and smoked them as they were walking home after school; now school kids have a designated place to smoke outside the school.

Teacher’s dated others teachers which was scandalous at the time.  Now, we have become callous to hearing teacher’s being arrested for having sex with their students.

Boys used to snap our bra straps in high school, which was annoying and very embarrassing but now days the girls may or may not being wearing a bra, so the boys have to find something more embarrassing to do to the girls.

Boys running in (short visits for shock value) the girl’s bathroom: now they have doors on them to prevent the visiting male or the males are busy in their own bathrooms.

Most high school kids are or should be working more hours since they don’t have all the other kids distracting them from their schoolwork and can get their academic work done in less than a few hours…so with the online schools wouldn’t it allow the over 16 crowd to work more hours to pay for all the things they need?

What do you think?  Are having online schools good or bad?  What challenges do you think it brings to society?

A Group of Creatures: The Proper Terms

The dictionary informs me that the proper term for a group of larks is an exaltation.  Isn’t that descriptive?  An exaltation of larks!

You outdoor people probably think you’re smart and know all the terms for groups of creatures.

Let’s test your knowledge.

How about an easy one to start with?  What is a group of grouse? “Covey” you probably said thinking that was too easy.  Covey actually means “family” of grouse.  Actually, a group of grouse larger than a covey (family of 2.5) is called a pack.

To know the difference between a covey and a pack you will have to distinguish between members of the immediate family and distant relations who have moved in for a bit of freeloading.  This is not difficult since the freeloaders are the grouse that get up at noon and go around unshaven, asking “what’s for supper?”

Ok, now a little tougher.  What is the proper term for a group of ferrets?  Come on, don’t just sit there scratching your head—guess.  It is a business of ferrets.  What business are ferrets in…I think loan-sharking?

How about a group of geese?  Flock is correct, but only if the geese are standing around killing time.  If the group of geese is flying, it becomes a skein.  If the geese are on the water, they’re a gaggle.  If you said a bunch of gooses, you are banned from the contest and must now call yourself a “city folk” instead of a “nature lover.”

How about a group of elk?  They are called a gang.

A few of my favorites among the terms for groups of creatures is a crash of rhinoceros.  A group of toads is called a knot.  A group of bears is called a sloth.  Not exactly the visual I think of when I see a group of bears.

Here are a few others, just for fun:

A convocation of eagles

A charm of hummingbirds.

A skulk of foxes.

A chattering of starlings.

A mustering of storks.

An unkindness of ravens.

A siege of herons.

A leap of leopards.

A murder of crows.

When I come upon a group of anything, I call it a whole mess of them and am done with it!

Now that you have been educated about groups of creatures, try the quiz out on your friends.  No one will really care but everyone will be interested for a short while. 

P.S. No one will care if you use the wrong word for a group of animals that are licking their chops as they approach you and your friends in the wild.

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new  definition.  Here are the winners: 1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time. 2. Ignoranus: A person who is both stupid and an asshole. 3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. 4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. 5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. 6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. 7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. 8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. 9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. 10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.) 11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer. 12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. 13. Glibido: All talk and no action. 14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. 15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. 16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out. 17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating..   The  Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which  readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are: 1. Coffee (n.) The person upon whom one coughs. 2. Flabbergasted (adj.) Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained. 3. Abdicate (v.) To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. 4. Esplanade (v.) To attempt an explanation while drunk. 5. Willy-nilly (adj.) Impotent. 6. Negligent (adj.) Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown. 7. Lymph (v.) To walk with a lisp. 8. Gargoyle (n.) Olive-flavored mouthwash. 9. Flatulence (n.) Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller. 10. Balderdash (n.) A rapidly receding hairline. 11. Testicle (n.) A humorous question on an exam. 12. Rectitude (n.) The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists. 13. Pokemon (n.) A Rastafarian proctologist. 14. Oyster (n.) A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms. 15. Frisbeetarianism (n.) The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there. 16. Circumvent (n.) An opening in the front of  boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.