Humorous Signs Found On Businesses

Sign on an electrician's truck: -- Let us remove your shorts. Maternity Clothes Shop: -- We are open on labor day. Non-smoking area: -- If we see you smoking we will assume you're on fire and take appropriate action. On a Maternity Room Door: -- Push, Push, Push. On a Front Door: -- Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian -- except the dog. Optometrist's Office: -- If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place. Scientist's Door: -- Gone fission Taxidermist Window: -- We really know our stuff. Podiatrist's Window: -- Time wounds all heels. Butcher's window: -- Let me meat your needs. Used Car Lot: -- Second-hand cars in first crash condition. Sign on Fence: -- Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive. Car Dealership: -- The best way to get back on your feet: miss a car payment. Muffler Shop: -- No appointment necessary; we'll hear you coming. Hotel: -- Help wanted. We need inn-experienced people. Auto Body Shop: -- May we have the next dents? Sign in an office: -- We shoot every 3rd salesman. The 2nd one just left. Veterinarian's Waiting Room: -- Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay! The Electric Company: -- We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be. Beauty Shop: -- Dye now! Garbage Truck: -- We've got what it takes to take what you've got. Computer Store: -- Out for a quick byte Diner Window: -- Don't stand there and be hungry. Come in and get fed up. Bowling Alley: -- Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop. Cafeteria: -- Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want. Music Library: -- Bach in a minuet. Funeral Home: -- Drive carefully; we'll wait.

Humorous Mottos for States in the U.S.

State Mottos Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong! Arizona: Dehyd-rific! Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing California: As Seen on TV Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character Delaware: We Were the First, Damit, and Don't You Forget It! Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money) Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good Illinois: Gateway to Iowa Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free Iowa: Land of James T. Kirk Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign Maine: Cheap Lobster Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets) Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians Minnesota: For Sale Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, and Very Little Else Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest Nevada: Whores and Poker! New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here! New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable North Dakota: Um... We've got... Um... Dinosaur Bones? Yeah, Dinosaur Bones! Ohio: Don't Judge Us by Cleveland Oklahoma: Like the Play, Only No Singing Oregon: Spotted Owl, It's What's For Dinner Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota Tennessee: The Educashun State Texas: Se Hablo Ingles Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus Vermont: Yep Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix? Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers! Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor? West Virginia: One Big Happy Family -- Really! Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese Wyoming: Wynot?

Playing with Words: A Favorite Passtime

PARAPROSDOKIANS

 

Every heard of them? Probably not by that name.

(A Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation.) "Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian. Examples:-

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Words of Wisdom

"The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."

Online Public Schools

Isn’t that an oxymoron?

Part of public schooling that has long since been forgotten except from people that graduated a few decades ago was carrying heavy books.  We had to pack the books from school to home and back again even if we never cracked them to do homework.  The books were checked out to us and we were responsible for them.  We knew that if we lost or damaged them in any way, our teacher would be disappointed AND we would be in a world of hurt with our parents.  Still, there are always a few kids that loved to push the limits of authority!

Now days, the kids have access to everything online so they don’t have to lug the books around.  They carry backpacks that are loaded with personal stuff but rarely is there an actual school book in the mix.

Food fights use to be uncommon when I was going to school but now it seems most people have enough money to buy the junk food offered in vending machines or are brave enough to go to the local convenient store and wait in line since only 3 high school kids are allowed in the store at one time.  Too bad, they really miss out on being able to make a real mess and having the janitor cleans it up (except for their own bodies)…

Choosing teams; no one has to work as a team after grade school since physical education is no longer in the schools and recess is gone in middle school.  Is it any wonder kids have a tough time when getting out into the working world? 

There is little interaction between students; not that all interaction we had was good but it did teach us valuable lessons in how and when to approach people to get what we want.  The bullies that were a part of life have now been outlawed.  We didn’t have that option.  We paid up or got beat up and suffered more than one consequence for it when we got home.

We had a senior ditch day where the entire class didn’t come to school; everyone does their own thing now so ditching isn’t really noticed any more.  Unless the child is gone more than an half the school year; then authorities are called in but the child still gets passed to the next grade no matter how they did academically because it isn’t good for their self-esteem to keep them back a grade. 

Lots of kids stole their parent’s cigarettes when I was in school and smoked them as they were walking home after school; now school kids have a designated place to smoke outside the school.

Teacher’s dated others teachers which was scandalous at the time.  Now, we have become callous to hearing teacher’s being arrested for having sex with their students.

Boys used to snap our bra straps in high school, which was annoying and very embarrassing but now days the girls may or may not being wearing a bra, so the boys have to find something more embarrassing to do to the girls.

Boys running in (short visits for shock value) the girl’s bathroom: now they have doors on them to prevent the visiting male or the males are busy in their own bathrooms.

Most high school kids are or should be working more hours since they don’t have all the other kids distracting them from their schoolwork and can get their academic work done in less than a few hours…so with the online schools wouldn’t it allow the over 16 crowd to work more hours to pay for all the things they need?

What do you think?  Are having online schools good or bad?  What challenges do you think it brings to society?

A Group of Creatures: The Proper Terms

The dictionary informs me that the proper term for a group of larks is an exaltation.  Isn’t that descriptive?  An exaltation of larks!

You outdoor people probably think you’re smart and know all the terms for groups of creatures.

Let’s test your knowledge.

How about an easy one to start with?  What is a group of grouse? “Covey” you probably said thinking that was too easy.  Covey actually means “family” of grouse.  Actually, a group of grouse larger than a covey (family of 2.5) is called a pack.

To know the difference between a covey and a pack you will have to distinguish between members of the immediate family and distant relations who have moved in for a bit of freeloading.  This is not difficult since the freeloaders are the grouse that get up at noon and go around unshaven, asking “what’s for supper?”

Ok, now a little tougher.  What is the proper term for a group of ferrets?  Come on, don’t just sit there scratching your head—guess.  It is a business of ferrets.  What business are ferrets in…I think loan-sharking?

How about a group of geese?  Flock is correct, but only if the geese are standing around killing time.  If the group of geese is flying, it becomes a skein.  If the geese are on the water, they’re a gaggle.  If you said a bunch of gooses, you are banned from the contest and must now call yourself a “city folk” instead of a “nature lover.”

How about a group of elk?  They are called a gang.

A few of my favorites among the terms for groups of creatures is a crash of rhinoceros.  A group of toads is called a knot.  A group of bears is called a sloth.  Not exactly the visual I think of when I see a group of bears.

Here are a few others, just for fun:

A convocation of eagles

A charm of hummingbirds.

A skulk of foxes.

A chattering of starlings.

A mustering of storks.

An unkindness of ravens.

A siege of herons.

A leap of leopards.

A murder of crows.

When I come upon a group of anything, I call it a whole mess of them and am done with it!

Now that you have been educated about groups of creatures, try the quiz out on your friends.  No one will really care but everyone will be interested for a short while. 

P.S. No one will care if you use the wrong word for a group of animals that are licking their chops as they approach you and your friends in the wild.

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new  definition.  Here are the winners: 1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time. 2. Ignoranus: A person who is both stupid and an asshole. 3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. 4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. 5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. 6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. 7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. 8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. 9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. 10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.) 11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer. 12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. 13. Glibido: All talk and no action. 14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. 15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. 16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out. 17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating..   The  Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which  readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are: 1. Coffee (n.) The person upon whom one coughs. 2. Flabbergasted (adj.) Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained. 3. Abdicate (v.) To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. 4. Esplanade (v.) To attempt an explanation while drunk. 5. Willy-nilly (adj.) Impotent. 6. Negligent (adj.) Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown. 7. Lymph (v.) To walk with a lisp. 8. Gargoyle (n.) Olive-flavored mouthwash. 9. Flatulence (n.) Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller. 10. Balderdash (n.) A rapidly receding hairline. 11. Testicle (n.) A humorous question on an exam. 12. Rectitude (n.) The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists. 13. Pokemon (n.) A Rastafarian proctologist. 14. Oyster (n.) A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms. 15. Frisbeetarianism (n.) The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there. 16. Circumvent (n.) An opening in the front of  boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Drama! Are we addicted?

The drama shows are rated as the highest watched shows on television. We all seem to enjoy passing the time watching these dramas, however, unreal they may be.  We get sucked in!  

Do you sometimes wonder why you are wasting your time watching a television show that is so crazy?  With so many people being pleasers in the world and hating conflict, I have to question why the shows are rated so high and who is watching them?   Is it the pleaser that secretly loves to talk to the television about these conflicts?  What makes television drama accepted when friends with that much drama in their lives generally drains the life out of us?

People talk about avoiding drama like the plague but the television ratings tell us something different.  Do we all secretly enjoy the drama when it is in another person’s life?   Do we need drama in our lives?

We are sometimes attracted to drama people.  Why is that? Don’t get me wrong, drama people can be a ton of fun too.  Their lack of boundaries make them that way.  It can be a very “extreme” relationship with them.

I got the opportunity to preview a new exercise video done by Mel B recently.  It is full of drama.  Mel B is vocal in how tough the exercises are the entire way through the video and almost slips with some cursing at one point.  The thing that I am critical of in exercise videos is that for some reason, the instructors rarely keep track of the repetitions and they continually work one side of the body more than the other. Shouldn’t keeping count be a “basic” if you are doing a video on fitness? 

I will admit that it was fun to see a celebrity sweat and complain about a work out but I had to turn off the volume to get through the routine.  The complaining and drama were distracting to the task.

I had to ask myself a few questions.  If this really is her routine training, I had to feel for her trainer!  I also had to speculate that if this is her routine, why was she complaining so much about it?  Should her muscles be use to it by now?  If you like drama (or just enjoy seeing someone in pain) you might check it out.

For me, drama is great for telling stories… just like television.  In REAL life it is called stressful and annoying!