4 Very Quick Reads

Some Things You Just Can’t Make Up

Here are a few things I found on the FML website for entertainment.  Some of the words have been changed to make them less offensive…

I was walking when a man pointed a camera at me, so I decided to be nasty about it and say, "Did I say you could take a picture?" and he replied with, "No, but can you get out of the way so I can take one of my wife and kids." I turn around, and they were right behind me.

Today, my car was in the shop so I borrowed my wife's VW Beetle convertible. It's really embarrassing because it's a girlie car and it's full of little stuffed animals. At a stop light a man asked me if I'd like to borrow one of his testicles because "every man should have at least one."

My mother called me downstairs to give me what I assumed was going to be "The Talk" (About four years too late). So she sits me down, holds my hands, and with the gentlest, most motherly expression on her face tells me, "Honey, if you ever come home pregnant, I'll kill you and the baby."

I was at my church’s spaghetti dinner with my family. My brother shook up my mom's soda, as a prank. My entire church witnessed my mom waving around an overflowing Diet Coke while my dad yelled, "Come on, put your mouth on it! Suck it! Suck it, Kathy!!"

We all say or do silly stuff at one time or another and wish that no one witnessed it.   Hope these gave you a chuckle.

Disclaimer:  Smiling and laughing may be good for your health.  Making the load of life lighter is always a great thing.

A GPS for Santa

Today, the post is a delightful guest post, from Jeanne Kraus, Educator, Author, and Speaker and you can check out her blog at http://jeannekrasus.blogspotcom or her website at http://www.jeannekraus.com.  Jeanne was gracious enough to share this post with us.  I believe we can all relate….with a smile, now that it is over.

I must say, my husband, George makes a great Santa. With his red suit and beard and make-up, he’s the real thing. I am his devoted and mostly ignored spouse, Mrs. Claus.

Unforeseen circumstances caused friction between the jolly old man and I as we traveled to do goodly deeds Christmas Eve. Unfortunately, Santa’s twelve-year-old pick-up truck was not yet outfitted with a GPS so we were on our own. And Santa doesn’t have the memory he once had. As we made one wrong turn after another, I began to think that he resembled a Grumpy more than a Santa.

“You said to turn right,” Santa snarled through his beard.

“I can’t remember, “ I confessed. After all, I’ve never had illusions about the fact that I can’t find my way out of a shopping bag.

“Turn left!” I yelled. Santa jumped.

With exaggerated patience and a tad of sarcasm, Santa spoke. “No, we went that way already. We’re going around in circles.”

Santa was posturing, heading for a fight. Where was Rudolph when I needed him?

I gave him my best Mrs. Claus look. “If you don’t talk nice to me, Santa, you can just let me out and go by yourself.”

Despite the fact that he knew I would not get out and walk home, he didn’t take me up on it. I was lucky.

By the time we reached our destination, Santa and Mrs. Claus were not speaking. The front door flew open. Santa belted out in his deep voice, “Ho, Ho, Ho! Merry Christmas!”

Jerk! I muttered.

Santa got a rousing greeting, and was hustled over to the Chair of Honor. Mrs. Claus was flattened by the stampede of children streaming toward Santa. As I readjusted my festive hat and jingle bells, I looked at Santa. There he sat, cradling a three-week-old baby in his arms, surrounded by adoring children. The spirit of Christmas had worked its magic on me. That and our new GPS, which will help Santa on his rounds next year.

In Flight Magazines

Do you enjoy the in-flight magazines?  I read them just for entertainment as many people do.  After all, on a plane, everyone is literally, a captive audience.

I enjoy the ads and what they are saying…or just trying to imply.  There is an ad for “The Original Hawaiian Slipper Pendant with Diamonds.”  What this represents is the casual lifestyle of the island. Seriously?  Have you been there?  Traffic is horrendous in the city.  Why would anyone want a flip-flop around their neck for $200?   The chain is additional (doesn’t come with the necklace)…isn’t that called a charm?

Then there is one for Garmin, which claims to be the thinnest navigator in the world.  Does anyone care how thin their GPS unit is?  I don’t think so.  What they do care about is that it gets them from point A to point B in a quick manner.  Being voice activated sounds great but in my experience, it doesn’t seem to save you time, especially if an accent is involved.

Welcome to Santa Barbara where women with clingy dresses wear high heels to walk in the vineyards and men with suits dirty their shoes in the mud of the vineyard.  The woman looks at the man with delight while the man looks at the vineyard in lust.  Instead of wine country, they advertise it as WIN country…because they now have casinos.

Last but not least, entertainment at 30,000 feet.  The Pandigital.  “You can take your favorite books, music, videos, photos, and more with you anywhere you go.  Connect to the Internet at home or on the road via Wi-Fi hotspots and check e-mail, surf the web, or keep in touch through all your social networking sites.”  Uh, did someone forget that we have limited space and are instructed to turn off our electronic devices or get escorted off the plane?  Josh, do you care to comment? 

Pounds and Time...It is All so Confusing

I recently returned from traveling and can’t seem to shake a problem I had with the airlines on the weight of my luggage.  I am amazed and somewhat ashamed at how much stuff I took with me, but to defend myself, I was packing to be gone three weeks!

How did the nomadic people do it?  Traveling from place to place with all their belongings and no suitcases?  I wish I knew one to interview!  I just know it would have made a difference in the weight of my luggage.

First the counter agent tells me that my  bag is overweight so I take it 30 feet from the counter and put it on the scale across the aisle and it weighs less than 50 lbs. but the counter agent instructs me to open it up and rearrange stuff anyway.  Who knew a fleece jacket weighed a pound and a half?  They understood I had a flight to catch, right?  Did they not see the stress in my facial expressions on being able to get to the airport two hours ahead of my scheduled flight; packing for hours; finding a parking spot for the car; then a shuttle and getting all these bags to the counter?  Did they not smell the sweat from getting these bags here?

Who calibrates these machines?  Why don’t they say the same weight?   Why do the airlines go by the scale in front of them but not the one 30 feet away?  How can they not be the same weight?  The airline knows I have a flight to catch, right?

Welcome to REAL life and all the idiosyncrasies of living in a world of a traveling society.  I found my share of craziness before the flight!

My mind wanders to buying a bathroom scale at the department store.  How do people decide?  If they step on one and they weigh less than they think they should, do they buy that one or continue shopping until they find one where they weigh less?  

Real poundage is almost as confusing as real time, isn’t it?

Snippets of Funny Things

Have you ever walked out of a room with a rug (not wall to wall carpet) in it and walked back in later to find the rug messed up?  What happens to the rug when we leave the room?  Are there invisible gremlins in our houses that love to make us feel crazy?  Do they laugh when they see that our minds are churning to solve the issue of a rug being out of place when we return to the room?

When we are walking and trip, have you ever noticed that we look back to see what the culprit was?  We glare at it!  Are we trying to make the object feel bad for being there when we didn’t watch for a problem in our path? 

It is almost inevitable now days to go into a women’s restroom and a cell phone rings.  Is someone watching to see when someone visits?  Are women setting timers for their phones to ring so they don’t feel alone in the bathroom?

For all the people and birds in the world, isn’t it amazing that there are not more people that get pooped on by the birds?  Is the average 1 in 1000?  How many people do you know that have collected bird poop on their clothes or hair?

Has someone asked you how you feel and you have said one of the following:  like the loser in a prize fight; run over by a Mac truck; gone through the ringer of a wash machine?  Let’s hope none of us find out how those things really feel!  

It has been said that silence is a source of great strength.  There are many types of silence, for instance: anger, grief, sadness and confusion.  The most comforting is said to be the state of being at peace. Using silence takes practice and one of the crucial parts of that practice is observing; observing your own breathing, your thoughts, your feelings and your sensations. 

The ability to remain calm comes in handy when you have moments in life that require the focus of your emotions.  Maintaining calmness and focus under emotional upheaval can save a life.

There is a large body of research that suggests meditation as a form of relief from stress, high blood pressure, and anxiety.  We train our bodies, why not train our minds?

Meditation doesn’t mean you have to sit on the floor in a certain position.  In fact, you can meditate walking in the park…anywhere and anytime you can be quiet for a while.  No special equipment is needed, no special training, just quiet moments.

Balancing those moments with loud and long laughter is crucial to your well being.   A few years ago, I took a class on meditation and could not get focused on being quiet.  I ended up leaving the class and so did a few others since they were laughing uncontrollably.   We had a case of the giggles!  Some days, your body and mind can be quiet and others…well, it just isn’t your day for that.

In Sync with your Desk

What kind of relationship do you have with your desk?   Most people that have desks, love them.  Despite the growing trend of expecting workers to work on the go, we humans like our desks and can easily make one where ever we happen to be.

Desks can hold books, notes, calendars and of course computers…almost all that a person would need to do their chosen work and communicate effectively with others. 

Some creative minds like having things visible as they never know how stray thoughts can fit together.  Others like their desk to be organized so nothing distracts them from what they are doing at the time.  I have read that people with messier desks are more open to new ideas.  No matter what type of person you are, is seems that if when your workspace is in sync with you, you are a happier more productive individual.

In an office environment, we tend to think of the desk as protection between us and others than intrude our office.  For some, just knowing they have a desk, brings comfort.  For others it is their home away from home.   To most people it is their workspace and they need it to retreat from endless meetings, unrealistic deadlines, constant interruptions, and the time-consuming supervision of others.

Grab that little piece of chocolate stashed in the top drawer and close your eyes for a moment.  Ahhh…now THAT’S  what desks are really for.