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Sunday, April 3, 2011

Diet, Detox and Doodie

As women approaching a certain stage in our lives (old age) it’s only natural that we want to look our best. I myself have noticed those infamous crows-feet and laugh lines making their debut on my face, (not fair…I hardly ever laugh… And don’t all birds’ feet look the same, so why the crow?) Ms Nature is one cruel mother.

However, in defense of middle- agers everywhere, some of the blame has to be laid at the scientific community’s feet. We didn’t have all those warnings about the UV rays sagging, bagging, and prematurely aging our skin. "Back-in-the-day" sunscreen was just something that smelled like coconuts and was an oily mess to put on - remember when the wind kicked up at the beach and you ended up looking like a sheet of sand-paper?

Oh well, too late now. Or is it?

The first thing we need to do is get rid of that middle-age spread, those "quaint" love-handles and over-all flabbiness. I know, I know, I too have done the latest twist-and-tuck-tummy-crunches, riding a stationary bike till my butt went numb - it doesn’t work (especially when your consuming a bag of cookies while your peddling away…or is that just me?)

No ladies we have to start to think like Hollywood’s finest. Jennifer Aniston has been reported to eat only pureed food (a.k.a baby food) to keep her body looking tom-boy young.

Okay…I’ve tried baby food and I gotta say, I’d be thin too if this was all I was allowed to eat – It’s disgusting! Pureed green stuff is not appetizing, plus, you don’t know whether you’re eating spinach, peas, or algae (which it always resembles). And really, what’s the point here? Does the pureed food digest faster? Slid through quicker? Permanently ruin your taste buds? There’s no way I could stick to this. I would find a way to puree a cookie…hmmm… I wonder how many cookies I could consume if they were pureed?

Okay, so maybe this diet isn’t for everyone. But there’s always detox.

I remember when "detox" use to be something you did when you were an alcoholic. Now detox is becoming the "in" thing to do.

According to Jessica Simpson’s own "tweeting" she uses an "ancient Asian treatment" using Chinese Pu-erh tea and cupping. Apparently, the "cupping" involves a high-powered vacuum seal that will leave you with a painful welt.

Simpson was also quoted saying that when she was doing this she experienced "intense visions." No… Honey…that was from the blinding pain…or perhaps…drinking?

So forget cupping-detox. I saved the best to last.

You can now throw away all those old cold-creams and cucumber-on-the-eyes, there’s a new, hot way to get that ragged, haggled old skin looking bright and supple again - bird doodie.

That’s right ladies, this "Geisha Facial" goes way back and uses the…er…poop of Nightingales to help breathe new life into dry, tired skin. Apparently, Victoria Beckham (a.k.a Posh Spice from the Spice Girls band) is one of the proud users of this birdy-poo product.

Seriously?  Bird poop? Even if it is from a Nightingale (one of the more "elegant" avian, I suppose) would you really want to slather this stuff on your face? I got crapped on by a seagull once, maybe I should have bypassed the curse words and the flinging and flaying about to actually stop and appreciate one of nature’s wonders. I mean really, who am I to look a gift horse (or in this case, gift bird) in the mouth?

Perhaps, since the Nightingale is such a prestigious bird, we should rename those unsightly crows-feet, Nightingale feet. That should take the sting out of getting old. And while we’re at it, why not just puree up tonight’s main course? Oh and don’t forget to get the vacuum cleaner out and do a little spot-detox. We should all be looking good as new in no time. And if not…there’s always those "intense visions" to look forward to.

About the Author;
Sandie lee has been writing for 17 years and has been published online and in print in both the children's genre and women’s humor.  She lives in Ontario Canada with her Hubby of 15 years and her three feline "children."

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