The Funny Side of Life

If I Can Get Through This: The One Food Group That Can Eliminate Estrogen

2012-01-29T10:48:00.000-07:00

If I Can Get Through This: The One Food Group That Can Eliminate Estrogen: We hear a lot about the benefits of estrogen these days. For many, estrogen can be a life saver. For others that have had estrogen based...

If I Can Get Through This: Conventional Medicine May Not Be Your Answer

2012-01-29T10:47:00.001-07:00

If I Can Get Through This: Conventional Medicine May Not Be Your Answer: Many cancer patients regret not doing their own research prior to the removal of a part of their body. I urge you to take the time to read...

If I Can Get Through This: Cancer is a Money Making Industry

2012-01-29T10:47:00.000-07:00

If I Can Get Through This: Cancer is a Money Making Industry: No one likes to hear this but it is important you read and understand this blatant fact. Cancer is a two-hundred billion dollar indust...

The Funny Side of Life: Drama! Are we addicted?

2012-01-24T18:35:00.000-07:00

The Funny Side of Life: Drama! Are we addicted?: The drama shows are rated as the highest watched shows on television. We all seem to enjoy passing the time watching these dramas, however,...

The Funny Side of Life: A Group of Creatures: The Proper Terms

2012-01-23T20:10:00.000-07:00

The Funny Side of Life: A Group of Creatures: The Proper Terms: The dictionary informs me that the proper term for a group of larks is an exaltation . Isn’t that descriptive? An exaltation of larks! ...

The Funny Side of Life: 10 Commandments for Urinal Etiquette

2012-01-23T17:47:00.000-07:00

The Funny Side of Life: 10 Commandments for Urinal Etiquette: Warning: Some may find this post offensive. I am delighted to have a guest blogger this blog. See Nicole's bio at end of post. Having ...

The Funny Side of Life: 10 Commandments for Urinal Etiquette

2012-01-20T10:28:00.000-07:00

The Funny Side of Life: 10 Commandments for Urinal Etiquette: Warning: Some may find this post offensive. I am delighted to have a guest blogger this blog. See Nicole's bio at end of post. Having ...

The Funny Side of Life: 10 Commandments for Urinal Etiquette

2012-01-18T13:29:00.000-07:00

The Funny Side of Life: 10 Commandments for Urinal Etiquette: Warning: Some may find this post offensive. I am delighted to have a guest blogger this blog. See Nicole's bio at end of post. Having ...

If I Can Get Through This: The One Food Group That Can Eliminate Estrogen

2012-01-15T13:50:00.000-07:00

If I Can Get Through This: Conventional Medicine May Not Be Your Answer

2012-01-14T20:10:00.000-07:00

If I Can Get Through This: Cancer is a Money Making Industry

2012-01-14T09:49:00.000-07:00

If I Can Get Through This: Cancer is a Money Making Industry: No one likes to hear this but it is important you read and understand this blatant fact. Cancer is a two-hundred billion dollar indust...

The Funny Side of Life: The Funny Side of Life: Good Advice is Not Always ...

2012-01-13T17:17:00.000-07:00

The Funny Side of Life: The Funny Side of Life: Good Advice is Not Always ...: The Funny Side of Life: Good Advice is Not Always Good Advice : Have you ever gotten words of wisdom, integrated them into your life, and t...

If I Can Get Through This: Conventional Medicine May Not Be Your Answer

2012-01-13T15:04:00.001-07:00

The Funny Side of Life: 10 Commandments for Urinal Etiquette

2012-01-13T15:04:00.000-07:00

The Funny Side of Life: 10 Commandments for Urinal Etiquette: Warning: Some may find this post offensive. I am delighted to have a guest blogger this blog. See Nicole's bio at end of post. Having ...

If I Can Get Through This: Cancer is a Money Making Industry

2012-01-12T09:40:00.000-07:00

If I Can Get Through This: Cancer is a Money Making Industry: No one likes to hear this but it is important you read and understand this blatant fact. Cancer is a two-hundred billion dollar indust...

The Funny Side of Life: The Funny Side of Life: 10 Commandments for Urinal...

2012-01-12T09:39:00.000-07:00

The Funny Side of Life: The Funny Side of Life: 10 Commandments for Urinal...: The Funny Side of Life: 10 Commandments for Urinal Etiquette : Warning: Some may find this post offensive. I am delighted to have a guest...

The Funny Side of Life: Pet Ownership

2012-01-12T09:38:00.000-07:00

The Funny Side of Life: Pet Ownership: Statistics show us that about 60 percent of American households have at least one pet. That’s the majority. That leaves 40 percent of people...

If I Can Get Through This: Cancer is a Money Making Industry

2012-01-10T09:26:00.000-07:00

If I Can Get Through This: Cancer is a Money Making Industry: No one likes to hear this but it is important you read and understand this blatant fact. Cancer is a two-hundred billion dollar indust...

If I Can Get Through This: Conventional Medicine May Not Be Your Answer

2012-01-10T09:25:00.000-07:00

The Funny Side of Life: Good Advice is Not Always Good Advice

2012-01-09T11:57:00.001-07:00

The Funny Side of Life: Good Advice is Not Always Good Advice: Have you ever gotten words of wisdom, integrated them into your life, and then discovered that they were counter-productive to your goals a...

The Funny Side of Life: The Complete Idiot’s Guide or the Dummies Book ser...

2012-01-09T11:57:00.000-07:00

The Funny Side of Life: The Complete Idiot’s Guide or the Dummies Book ser...: Have you ever read these books? Do you feel like you must really be dumb when you don’t get what they are trying to explain? I do. I ha...

The Funny Side of Life: Pet Ownership

2012-01-09T11:56:00.000-07:00

The Funny Side of Life: Pet Ownership: Statistics show us that about 60 percent of American households have at least one pet. That’s the majority. That leaves 40 percent of people...

The Funny Side of Life: 10 Commandments for Urinal Etiquette

2012-01-07T13:06:00.000-07:00

The Funny Side of Life: 10 Commandments for Urinal Etiquette: Warning: Some may find this post offensive. I am delighted to have a guest blogger this blog. See Nicole's bio at end of post. Having ...

If I Can Get Through This: Cancer is a Money Making Industry

2011-12-31T20:10:00.001-07:00

If I Can Get Through This: Cancer is a Money Making Industry: No one likes to hear this but it is important you read and understand this blatant fact. Cancer is a two-hundred billion dollar indust...

If I Can Get Through This: Medical Medicine May Not Be Your Answer

2011-12-31T20:10:00.000-07:00

If I Can Get Through This: Medical Medicine May Not Be Your Answer: Many cancer patients regret not doing their own research prior to the removal of a part of their body. I urge you to take the time to read...

The Funny Side of Life: 10 Commandments for Urinal Etiquette

2011-12-31T20:08:00.000-07:00

The Funny Side of Life: 10 Commandments for Urinal Etiquette: Warning: Some may find this post offensive. I am delighted to have a guest blogger this blog. See Nicole's bio at end of post. Having ...

If I Can Get Through This: The One Food Group That Can Eliminate Estrogen

2011-12-24T17:51:00.000-07:00

The Funny Side of Life: 10 Commandments for Urinal Etiquette

2011-12-24T11:50:00.000-07:00

The Funny Side of Life: 10 Commandments for Urinal Etiquette: Warning: Some may find this post offensive. I am delighted to have a guest blogger this blog. See Nicole's bio at end of post. Having ...

The Funny Side of Life: Paradigms: A Fun Exercise

2011-12-22T20:35:00.001-07:00

The Funny Side of Life: Paradigms: A Fun Exercise: There is much talk about paradigms these days. Paradigms are not new. Many famous people have talked about them for decades. They ar...

The Funny Side of Life: The Complete Idiot’s Guide or the Dummies Book ser...

2011-12-22T20:35:00.000-07:00

If I Can Get Through This: No Matter How You Look at Cancer

2011-12-22T19:28:00.001-07:00

If I Can Get Through This: No Matter How You Look at Cancer: Cancer Sucks! We all hate it. We all fear it. We all want it to disappear from the face of the earth. Instead, i...

If I Can Get Through This: Medical Medicine May Not Be Your Answer

2011-12-22T19:28:00.000-07:00

If I Can Get Through This: Cancer is a Money Making Industry

2011-12-22T19:27:00.000-07:00

If I Can Get Through This: Cancer is a Money Making Industry: No one likes to hear this but it is important you read and understand this blatant fact. Cancer is a two-hundred billion dollar indust...

If I Can Get Through This: The One Food Group That Can Eliminate Estrogen

2011-12-22T19:26:00.000-07:00

The Funny Side of Life: Dead People Want Real Flowers

2011-12-22T19:21:00.000-07:00

The Funny Side of Life: Dead People Want Real Flowers: Do you ever wonder what a dead person may think of what we do at the cemetery? I find amusement in seeing people walk around looking for ...

Christmas Shopping Ideas

2011-12-19T18:47:00.000-07:00

I was in Radio Shack the other day just to pick up some connectors for a project I was working on. When I walked in the door, there were four different sized television sets on and all tuned to the same channel…a channel that blurs certain body parts of the anatomy. Seriously???? Does the retail environment have to resort to tactics like this to get people to buy? Or is that just entertainment for the clerks at Radio Shack?

Okay, you know those hats that are lined with the same material you see on doggie beds? The hats that you pull down over your ears and the bill can be flipped up and the lining shows…the ones that allow the snaps, strings, or buckles to hang down like pigtails? Is there someone on your list that you really don’t care for…these would be perfect since the make everyone that wears them look like a prisoner that has just been released.

Remember, if your secret Santa gives you chocolates there is a very good chance that they are re-gifted as they would rather see the extra weight on your waistline rather than on their own. Are you going to re-gift the chocolates too?

Enjoy your holiday and keep your sense of humor!

Leftover candy from Halloween

2011-11-01T14:54:00.001-06:00

Instead of telling you 50 ways to use the leftover candy from Halloween: I say, “Toss it out!” You can thank me later.

The only good candy is candy in pictures. It looks delicious, but you can’t smell it (unless it is in a scratch and sniff book) but do you know where the previous fingernails have been? Do you really want to go there? You can’t eat it (even in secret)… and it never goes to your hips or waist because it can’t be eaten. The perfect candy!

Do you regret buying all that candy when you knew there were only going to be a handful of kids coming to your door to “trick or treat” last night? Or did you get an abundance of candy as your reward for being so generous to little children that dress in silly costumes and walk up and down the block in the dark yelling “trick or treat” after they ring people’s doorbell?

Halloween is the time when the rules go out the window, it appears. Children can be outside alone walking the streets after dark, they can approach strangers, panhandle for candy, and drag all the crap…I mean, candy back to their house without consequences.

Did you promise yourself that you would not buy candy this year but did it anyway? You remembered your training in the scouts: always be prepared, didn’t you?

Did you buy the candy you like or what you thought the little munchkins would enjoy? Did you do your research? Or did you just buy what was “on sale” the day you visited the store?

Were you thinking about how many cavities you were contributing to this year? Hmmm. How about how much money that will cost you as a taxpayer this year to fix those little teeth in Medicaid costs? Hmmm.

One more thing: Remember the wicked witch from the Wizard of Oz? She melted because the water had sugar in it, not from the water itself. Why do you think that little bit of water killed her and put out the fire on the scarecrow? Pure water can’t do that!

Guess we found one good way to use sugar after all…

Why Ethel Had to Change Hotels

2011-09-27T16:02:00.001-06:00

Last week, my friend Ethel checked into a motel on her 68th birthday and she

was a bit lonely.

She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see

advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages." She

looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling

himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical

skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the

right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six

pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a quarter off

his well oiled bum....

She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?". . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in,

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel

room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in

town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I

want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips,

everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy

all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream,

anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?"

He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9

for an outside line."

The Female Spirit - Surviving Cancer

2011-09-21T15:28:00.000-06:00

In Colorado, we have a local store called Pampered Passions Fine Lingerie advertised to be endorsed by the ACS (American Cancer Society) and the company saying is “Nurturing the Female Spirit.” Hmmm…I am not sure my female spirit has anything to do with lingerie but I can see the appeal to some women.

According to their brochure they have been ranked #1 for six consecutive years. Ranked number one of Fine Lingerie one year, sexy lingerie another year, bridal lingerie another year, wedding lingerie and just plain lingerie another year. I don’t know about you but lingerie is lingerie …doesn’t fine sexy lingerie about cover it all?

At first glance this seemed like just another way that a company can get money from you in your vulnerable state of mind. Don’t fall for it! It seems like one more way for yet another company to help you spend money from your dwindling pocketbook after you have had breast cancer surgery. I haven’t waivered too far from that thought.

Oh, I agree that women want to get back to their lives as soon as they can after breast cancer surgery but I find it interesting and more than a little disturbing that only lingerie is on the pamphlets…there are NO pictures of the REAL products that you may need after a mastectomy, bilateral, or lumpectomy. All the models still have their breasts intact. The least they could do was put a fake scar on a model …that would make me, as a cancer survivor feel better.

The company has actually partnered with plastic surgeons to get your money. I agree that is a smart business idea but clearly the marketing is lost on someone like me.

I am not saying that the company is not legitimate…it definitely is. Can you live without their high priced garments? I believe so. Is there a market for this type of business? Absolutely! A very lucrative market, I’m sure.

My advice is to save your money and spend it on something that really makes you look good! I would suggest a soft white light bulb for each room and call it good. You will save yourself about $389 right away. The light from these babies makes everyone look great any time of day. They are one of life’s simple pleasures.

I have survived breast cancer and that brings out my female spirit more than any piece of sexy lingerie could ever do. We are tough but gentle spirits with or without high priced garments.

Retirement Choices - Where To Live

2011-08-29T12:02:00.000-06:00

There are many retirement choices on where to live.

The choice can be crucial to your “golden years.”

You can live in Phoenix, Arizona, where ...

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.

2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.

3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.

4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.

5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.

6. There 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

You can Live in California, where ...

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.

2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.

3. You know how to eat an artichoke.

4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.

5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

You can Live in New York City, where ...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.

2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.

3. You think Central Park is "nature."

4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.

5. You've worn out a car horn.

6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can Live in Maine, where ...

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.

2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.

3. You have more than one recipe for moose.

4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.

5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and
construction.

You can Live in Texas, where ...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.

2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.

3. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.

4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Lou, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.

You can live in Colorado, where ...

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.

2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, and he stops at the day care center.

3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.

4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You can live in the Midwest, where ...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.

2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.

3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.

4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"

5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

Or, you can live in Florida, where ...

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.

2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.

3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.

4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.

5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

As with all decisions, there are two sides. Be sure you can live with your choice for many years to come.

The Upside of the Recession

2011-08-08T12:52:00.000-06:00

The recession has hit everybody really hard...

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of
pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds" you call
them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it so they
re-possessed her.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island Casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

And finally ...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs,
my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., that I called the
Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan and when I told them
I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a
truck.

Trivia for Your Entertainment

2011-07-24T12:47:00.000-06:00

Humorous Mottos for States in the U.S.

2011-07-02T17:11:00.000-06:00

State Mottos

Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!

Arizona: Dehyd-rific!

Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing

California: As Seen on TV

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character

Delaware: We Were the First, Damit, and Don't You Forget It!

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois: Gateway to Iowa

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: Land of James T. Kirk

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: Cheap Lobster

Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians

Minnesota: For Sale

Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work

Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, and Very Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Whores and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney

North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable

North Dakota: Um... We've got... Um... Dinosaur Bones? Yeah, Dinosaur Bones!

Ohio: Don't Judge Us by Cleveland

Oklahoma: Like the Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl, It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Se Hablo Ingles

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family -- Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese

Wyoming: Wynot?

Playing with Words: A Favorite Passtime

2011-06-25T18:51:00.000-06:00

PARAPROSDOKIANS

Every heard of them? Probably not by that name.

(A Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation.) "Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian. Examples:-

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Words of Wisdom

"The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."

Online Public Schools

2011-06-13T23:55:00.025-06:00

Isn’t that an oxymoron?

Part of public schooling that has long since been forgotten except from people that graduated a few decades ago was carrying heavy books. We had to pack the books from school to home and back again even if we never cracked them to do homework. The books were checked out to us and we were responsible for them. We knew that if we lost or damaged them in any way, our teacher would be disappointed AND we would be in a world of hurt with our parents. Still, there are always a few kids that loved to push the limits of authority!

Now days, the kids have access to everything online so they don’t have to lug the books around. They carry backpacks that are loaded with personal stuff but rarely is there an actual school book in the mix.

Food fights use to be uncommon when I was going to school but now it seems most people have enough money to buy the junk food offered in vending machines or are brave enough to go to the local convenient store and wait in line since only 3 high school kids are allowed in the store at one time. Too bad, they really miss out on being able to make a real mess and having the janitor cleans it up (except for their own bodies)…

Choosing teams; no one has to work as a team after grade school since physical education is no longer in the schools and recess is gone in middle school. Is it any wonder kids have a tough time when getting out into the working world?

There is little interaction between students; not that all interaction we had was good but it did teach us valuable lessons in how and when to approach people to get what we want. The bullies that were a part of life have now been outlawed. We didn’t have that option. We paid up or got beat up and suffered more than one consequence for it when we got home.

We had a senior ditch day where the entire class didn’t come to school; everyone does their own thing now so ditching isn’t really noticed any more. Unless the child is gone more than an half the school year; then authorities are called in but the child still gets passed to the next grade no matter how they did academically because it isn’t good for their self-esteem to keep them back a grade.

Lots of kids stole their parent’s cigarettes when I was in school and smoked them as they were walking home after school; now school kids have a designated place to smoke outside the school.

Teacher’s dated others teachers which was scandalous at the time. Now, we have become callous to hearing teacher’s being arrested for having sex with their students.

Boys used to snap our bra straps in high school, which was annoying and very embarrassing but now days the girls may or may not being wearing a bra, so the boys have to find something more embarrassing to do to the girls.

Boys running in (short visits for shock value) the girl’s bathroom: now they have doors on them to prevent the visiting male or the males are busy in their own bathrooms.

Most high school kids are or should be working more hours since they don’t have all the other kids distracting them from their schoolwork and can get their academic work done in less than a few hours…so with the online schools wouldn’t it allow the over 16 crowd to work more hours to pay for all the things they need?

What do you think? Are having online schools good or bad? What challenges do you think it brings to society?

A Group of Creatures: The Proper Terms

2011-05-26T07:17:00.001-06:00

The dictionary informs me that the proper term for a group of larks is an exaltation. Isn’t that descriptive? An exaltation of larks!

You outdoor people probably think you’re smart and know all the terms for groups of creatures.

Let’s test your knowledge.

How about an easy one to start with? What is a group of grouse? “Covey” you probably said thinking that was too easy. Covey actually means “family” of grouse. Actually, a group of grouse larger than a covey (family of 2.5) is called a pack.

To know the difference between a covey and a pack you will have to distinguish between members of the immediate family and distant relations who have moved in for a bit of freeloading. This is not difficult since the freeloaders are the grouse that get up at noon and go around unshaven, asking “what’s for supper?”

Ok, now a little tougher. What is the proper term for a group of ferrets? Come on, don’t just sit there scratching your head—guess. It is a business of ferrets. What business are ferrets in…I think loan-sharking?

How about a group of geese? Flock is correct, but only if the geese are standing around killing time. If the group of geese is flying, it becomes a skein. If the geese are on the water, they’re a gaggle. If you said a bunch of gooses, you are banned from the contest and must now call yourself a “city folk” instead of a “nature lover.”

How about a group of elk? They are called a gang.

A few of my favorites among the terms for groups of creatures is a crash of rhinoceros. A group of toads is called a knot. A group of bears is called a sloth. Not exactly the visual I think of when I see a group of bears.

Here are a few others, just for fun:

A convocation of eagles

A charm of hummingbirds.

A skulk of foxes.

A chattering of starlings.

A mustering of storks.

An unkindness of ravens.

A siege of herons.

A leap of leopards.

A murder of crows.

When I come upon a group of anything, I call it a whole mess of them and am done with it!

Now that you have been educated about groups of creatures, try the quiz out on your friends. No one will really care but everyone will be interested for a short while.

P.S. No one will care if you use the wrong word for a group of animals that are licking their chops as they approach you and your friends in the wild.

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational

2011-05-18T07:59:00.001-06:00

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who is both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating..

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee (n.) The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.) Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate (v.) To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.) To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.) Impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.) Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.) To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.) Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.) A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.) A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.) The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n.) A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.) A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.) The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.) An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Drama! Are we addicted?

2011-05-11T13:10:00.000-06:00

The drama shows are rated as the highest watched shows on television. We all seem to enjoy passing the time watching these dramas, however, unreal they may be. We get sucked in!

Do you sometimes wonder why you are wasting your time watching a television show that is so crazy? With so many people being pleasers in the world and hating conflict, I have to question why the shows are rated so high and who is watching them? Is it the pleaser that secretly loves to talk to the television about these conflicts? What makes television drama accepted when friends with that much drama in their lives generally drains the life out of us?

People talk about avoiding drama like the plague but the television ratings tell us something different. Do we all secretly enjoy the drama when it is in another person’s life? Do we need drama in our lives?

We are sometimes attracted to drama people. Why is that? Don’t get me wrong, drama people can be a ton of fun too. Their lack of boundaries make them that way. It can be a very “extreme” relationship with them.

I got the opportunity to preview a new exercise video done by Mel B recently. It is full of drama. Mel B is vocal in how tough the exercises are the entire way through the video and almost slips with some cursing at one point. The thing that I am critical of in exercise videos is that for some reason, the instructors rarely keep track of the repetitions and they continually work one side of the body more than the other. Shouldn’t keeping count be a “basic” if you are doing a video on fitness?

I will admit that it was fun to see a celebrity sweat and complain about a work out but I had to turn off the volume to get through the routine. The complaining and drama were distracting to the task.

I had to ask myself a few questions. If this really is her routine training, I had to feel for her trainer! I also had to speculate that if this is her routine, why was she complaining so much about it? Should her muscles be use to it by now? If you like drama (or just enjoy seeing someone in pain) you might check it out.

For me, drama is great for telling stories… just like television. In REAL life it is called stressful and annoying!

Diet, Detox and Doodie

2011-04-03T08:30:00.002-06:00

As women approaching a certain stage in our lives (old age) it’s only natural that we want to look our best. I myself have noticed those infamous crows-feet and laugh lines making their debut on my face, (not fair…I hardly ever laugh… And don’t all birds’ feet look the same, so why the crow?) Ms Nature is one cruel mother.

However, in defense of middle- agers everywhere, some of the blame has to be laid at the scientific community’s feet. We didn’t have all those warnings about the UV rays sagging, bagging, and prematurely aging our skin. "Back-in-the-day" sunscreen was just something that smelled like coconuts and was an oily mess to put on - remember when the wind kicked up at the beach and you ended up looking like a sheet of sand-paper?

Oh well, too late now. Or is it?

The first thing we need to do is get rid of that middle-age spread, those "quaint" love-handles and over-all flabbiness. I know, I know, I too have done the latest twist-and-tuck-tummy-crunches, riding a stationary bike till my butt went numb - it doesn’t work (especially when your consuming a bag of cookies while your peddling away…or is that just me?)

No ladies we have to start to think like Hollywood’s finest. Jennifer Aniston has been reported to eat only pureed food (a.k.a baby food) to keep her body looking tom-boy young.

Okay…I’ve tried baby food and I gotta say, I’d be thin too if this was all I was allowed to eat – It’s disgusting! Pureed green stuff is not appetizing, plus, you don’t know whether you’re eating spinach, peas, or algae (which it always resembles). And really, what’s the point here? Does the pureed food digest faster? Slid through quicker? Permanently ruin your taste buds? There’s no way I could stick to this. I would find a way to puree a cookie…hmmm… I wonder how many cookies I could consume if they were pureed?

Okay, so maybe this diet isn’t for everyone. But there’s always detox.

I remember when "detox" use to be something you did when you were an alcoholic. Now detox is becoming the "in" thing to do.

According to Jessica Simpson’s own "tweeting" she uses an "ancient Asian treatment" using Chinese Pu-erh tea and cupping. Apparently, the "cupping" involves a high-powered vacuum seal that will leave you with a painful welt.

Simpson was also quoted saying that when she was doing this she experienced "intense visions." No… Honey…that was from the blinding pain…or perhaps…drinking?

So forget cupping-detox. I saved the best to last.

You can now throw away all those old cold-creams and cucumber-on-the-eyes, there’s a new, hot way to get that ragged, haggled old skin looking bright and supple again - bird doodie.

That’s right ladies, this "Geisha Facial" goes way back and uses the…er…poop of Nightingales to help breathe new life into dry, tired skin. Apparently, Victoria Beckham (a.k.a Posh Spice from the Spice Girls band) is one of the proud users of this birdy-poo product.

Seriously? Bird poop? Even if it is from a Nightingale (one of the more "elegant" avian, I suppose) would you really want to slather this stuff on your face? I got crapped on by a seagull once, maybe I should have bypassed the curse words and the flinging and flaying about to actually stop and appreciate one of nature’s wonders. I mean really, who am I to look a gift horse (or in this case, gift bird) in the mouth?

Perhaps, since the Nightingale is such a prestigious bird, we should rename those unsightly crows-feet, Nightingale feet. That should take the sting out of getting old. And while we’re at it, why not just puree up tonight’s main course? Oh and don’t forget to get the vacuum cleaner out and do a little spot-detox. We should all be looking good as new in no time. And if not…there’s always those "intense visions" to look forward to.

About the Author;

Sandie lee has been writing for 17 years and has been published online and in print in both the children's genre and women’s humor. She lives in Ontario Canada with her Hubby of 15 years and her three feline "children."

Grocery Store Rant

2011-03-28T08:12:00.002-06:00

I see more and more women pulling away from the stereotype of being shoppers. I have never been a shopper…ok; a man shopper…what I mean is that I shop like a man. I go in, get what I came for and leave. I have no desire to look at and feel everything in the store. I get online and do my homework then find the store nearest me (if I can’t buy it online with little or no shipping charges), go in, buy it (if it hasn’t been delivered to the store in advance) and get out. Very efficient, I might add.

The grocery store has been my least favorite places to shop since I have been an adult. I believe the entire process is for Neanderthals.

We have all this technology at our fingertips and we are still bothered by those carts with square wheels on them…and everyone in the store is having a different issue with the cart. The carts seem to have a mind of their own.

We all play dodge ball, bumper carts, or some other child’s game in the store with our cart. The cart we think we can control. Never mind the people that leave their carts in the middle of the aisle…women use to be able to tell when men were shopping as this was their trick but now women are doing it too. You know who you are. You get a cart to take with you, not to leave in the aisle.

We start at the approximate same spot in the store each time. We take the freshly stacked packages from the shelves and put them in our cart and we go through the entire store. We cart all those packages to the check-out aisle and wait while being entertained by the headlines of the magazines or for some, the entire magazine.

We unload the packages we just loaded in the cart on the gross rubber belt to aid the less-than-friendly cashier with their o-so-glamorous-job. The cashier gets to wear gloves to keep the fluids from getting on them, but unless you bring your own gloves, you get to endure the mess of liquids on your hands, body and on the rubber belt.

After all that another o-so-sweet person puts your packages in plastic bags without ever asking what type of bags you like. You can’t choose paper because no one knows how to actually pack groceries anymore. The pride of grocery packing is ancient history. So should grocery shopping this way be!

We cart those purchases to our vehicle to unload them in the trunk/backseat then find a cart gathering place in the parking lot to place the used cart. It seems that we make it easier for the people working in the store than they make it for the consumers. Then we drive the purchases home and again have to remove the bags from the trunk/backseat, unload the food into our kitchen and put the food away in pantry or refrigerator and do it all over again the following week.

THERE has to be a better way for our technology savvy society to get food. Why is gathering food lagging so far behind?

Technology: Are We Over Connected

2011-03-22T08:27:00.002-06:00

Do you ever wonder where the time goes in a day? We are all so connected with our big screen TV’s, cell phones that are mini-computers, laptops with an extra screen, and of course our iPads, and iPods for music to pass the time, or some equivalent thereof to communicate with the world or… are they to shut off the world?

We go into any restaurant and are immediately faced with a big screen TV. Once we sit down, we pull out our cell phone to see if we have an email, newsfeed on Facebook, or IM’s (even though we checked right before we got out of the vehicle.)

Are we really connecting when we can’t be “present” in what is currently happening in our life? Is this the type of life you envisioned for yourself 5 years ago?

It is tough to fight the new technology gadgets that come out almost monthly in our world. I have to always ask myself if the gadget is going to make life easier or more complicated…here is my vision for the new gadgets:

I buy one and am elated as I feel my status in life has just gone up a couple of notches. I walk straighter and feel taller. The new gadget is HOT! I am walking on cloud 9.

I am confused as to how to get the new gadget to do what it was advertised to do. I pull out the instructions which tell me that the new gadget needs to be charged for 14 hours before use. Ugh! I plug it in and forget it for a while.

I get online and find reviews of the new gadget that tell me there are software issues and I conclude it was a bad purchase and is “limited” due to software issues. I return the purchase to the store and get a full refund minus a 20% restocking fee. I state my case to the manager, which points out that their return policy, is right on the sales receipt. What tha…?

Now, I am frustrated and lighter in the pocketbook too. My status deflates a few notches.

I realize that my life is great without the gadget and vow to keep upgrading my computer software and let the other gadgets come and go without any money changing hands…consoling myself with the words, “been there, done that.”

Haven’t we all?

Travel Humor: Thank God I'm a Country Boy

2011-03-16T08:00:00.001-06:00

Guest post written by Seymour O. DeSytes, a serial vacationer with over thirty years of timeshare experience and know-how. Touting the benefits and budgetary savings of timeshare rentals, Seymour sniffs out the best deals and reports back with fun stories "from the road".

I guess I'm actually more of a city slicker, but when you find yourself in Music City

U.S.A.

(a.k.a. Nashville) you just gotta hunker down and cowboy up! And if you think Nashville is just for country music fans, think again. Tennessee's capital is home to NFL football, NHL hockey, the Hermitage (Andrew Jackson's home), many Civil War sites, the Tennessee Museum, the Nashville Zoo, Vanderbilt University, Cheekwood Botanical Gardens, and so much more. Did you know that they even have a replica of the Parthenon here? Full scale, yet. I thought I'd taken a seriously wrong turn when I ran across that thing.

And talk about good eatin', the Nashville's restaurant scene is as varied as its music. From sushi to tapas, barbecue to fusion, they've got it all here. But by far, the "meat and threes" are the most popular. That's meat and three sides for you greenhorns out there. And if you haven't had southern sides, you are in for a treat: collard greens, black-eyed peas, succotash, sweet potatoes, grits, hush puppies, baked beans, okra, and many more. And if it can be held down long enough to be battered and fried, you can bet you'll find it here. You know they even deep-fry pickles? Are you kidding me?! Good thing you can do lots of walking in the historic downtown area.

But if music is your thing, they've got it coming out of the cracks in the sidewalks in this town. And if country and western doesn't butter your biscuit, don't fret. They've got jazz, blues, rock and roll, bluegrass, and a fantastic genre-bending scene that culminates annually in the Bonnaroo Festival (June 9-12 in 2011 with everyone from Emenem to the Scissor Sisters).

But really, no trip to Nashville is complete without hitting the Country Music Hall of Fame, The Ryman Auditorium, and the Grand Ole Opry. From Hank to Willie, Dolly to Loretta, Nashville and the Opry have played home at one time or another to nearly every performer in the history of "American Music." Ya'll come!

Well, I am off to take a wild and crazy tour of Nashville with the Juggs sisters and their hot-pink school bus called the Nash Trash Tour. It's a BYOB, bawdy affair, where the gals serve up cheez-whiz hors d'oeuvres, and dish out dirt on the local music celebrities. I hope we see Mylie Cyrus, or maybe Hannah Montana. I can never keep those two straight.

For more from Seymour O. DeSytes, visit www.the-timeshare-ambassador.com. Seymour posts new stories every Monday.

Dead People Want Real Flowers

2011-03-10T08:29:00.000-07:00

Do you ever wonder what a dead person may think of what we do at the cemetery?

I find amusement in seeing people walk around looking for their loved one. Shouldn’t you know where they are buried? Can you get a map at the care takers office? Your loved one didn’t get to “take the better view” from the last time you were there. They wanted to but got voted down. If you could actually see your loved one in their casket year after year, would you hang out longer? Tell them how much they have deteriorated? Or how much better they look now that their skin is gone? Leave sooner? Never visit?

Another odd thing humans do is give the dead plastic flowers. What is that about? Are the dead supposed to be grateful for THOSE ugly things? Didn’t you love them? Are you so cheap, you can’t get one real flower instead of going to the dollar store and getting a bunch of plastic flowers? You should be ashamed of yourself! That is pitiful.

When we drive by the cemetery do we think, “Hmmm…looks like that person had a real nice family…look at those colorful plastic flowers…they must be new to the cemetery as the sun hasn’t faded the flowers yet.”

These people are dead, in the ground, buried and will not be coming back to life. What are we thinking as living human beings?

If you believe in the afterlife, why would you put flowers on their grave? Don’t you believe they will be back? Think of your loved one looking down from heaven at PLASTIC FLOWERS on their gravesite. Tisk, tisk, tisk. Is there no help for you?

What is the graveside service all about? The dead person is thinking how horrible you look in black (or you finally look like a human) and how your tears don’t resemble Demi Moore in Ghost one little bit, when you cry! But they are happy to finally get fresh flowers after all these years! Too bad, you had to wait so long.

The first night in the cemetery has to be brutal since everyone wants to know every detail of what your life was like and what happened when you found out you were really dead…questions like, "how did that make you feel" come up...but then, it quiets down and you FINALLY get a good night of sleep! Then morning comes…the honeymoon is over; the noise is excruciating! The lawnmower cuts the grass incessantly and if they weren’t dead already, the noise from that trimmer would put them out!

You have to wonder how many of the dead people wanted to be cremated but someone in the family decided the burial was the wiser idea. Why aren’t the dead allowed to have their wishes carried out? Is anyone going to bring charges against them? Will the dead ever find out?

Were you or are you afraid of cemetery movies? No? Then why don’t you visit your loved one after dark with those pathetic plastic flowers?

Tickling Funny Bones: 8 Tips for Writing Humor

2011-03-04T08:29:00.006-07:00

Welcome, a humor writer with some helpful hints for writing funny stuff...

http://www.kristinelowder.wordpress.com/

http://www.kristinelowder.com/

What makes something humorous? Responses vary, but “humor” usually involves unexpecteds, unforeseens or exaggeration. Humor breaks the routine and whisks us into smiles and silliness. Think Lucy and Ethel in the bon-bon factory. Abbot and Costello and Who’s on First?

When I was young and foolish I decided to try my hand at writing humor. Folks cheered me on, insisting that mine was a truly wry – if not wicked – sense of humor.

I crashed and burned.

After weeks of staring at the computer, all I had to show for my efforts was a headache that’d give the Marquis de Sade cause for pause. I not only hadn’t written anything that could be dubbed “humorous” by any charitable extreme, but the only “funny” ideas I came up with wouldn’t outlast the expiration date on a milk carton.

Sound familiar? If so, take heart. If not, kindly quit reading this piece and order out for dessert.
Well. On my way to publishing a couple humor books and some side-splitting, insanely funny and Pultizer-Prize winning articles (I made that last one up), I learned a lot about humor writing. Since I’m such a nice lady, I’m passing these tips along for free:

1. Is Joke-Writing Different from Writing Humor?
Is the Pope Catholic? Is rain wet? Is Obama running for re-election?
There may be some “spill over,” but writing jokes and writing humor are two different genres.
A joke writer pursues the “ta-da!” moment followed by a canned laugh track. Writing humor is more of an art form. It’s a sustained chord as opposed to a tympanic crash. Humor is to writing what a seven-course meal is to cooking. Jokes are a quick trip to the drive-thru. Comprende?

2. Write what you know.
Doesn’t this sound like an echo from your long-lost junior high English teacher? That’s because she (or he) was right. Don’t try to impress people with how funny you can make an unfamiliar topic or event. Start with your own experience and stamp it with your own brand of kooky. (You can take that any way you like.) If you get really good at charting the hilarious in territory you know nothing about, run for Congress.

3. Put yourself in your story.
Unless you’re dull as dirt – and you know who you are – your readers want to

hear from you in the first-person. If you don’t think your stuff is funny, chances are no one else will, either. So unsheath your rapier wit, trot out your droll conviviality and craft your magnum opus like it’s the best thing since raspberry white chocolate cheesecake. Try this: Tell your story as if you’re sharing it over a cup of coffee at the kitchen table with an old friend. You could also picture yourself sharing your story with a new enemy, but I won’t be responsible for the consequences.

4. Write in the first-person whenever possible.
Related to the incredibly incisive and sagacious advice above, use “I” in your story, vignette or article whenever possible. Inject some of your personality into your writing. Find your “voice.” Keep it active rather than passive. This may take some tinkering and experimenting. That’s alright. Questions to ask along the way:

What are you passionate about? Where do you like to go, spend your time, invest your day? What makes this incident or event funny to you? Who else will relate to this topic?
Give people a chance to get to know you. Write from the heart. This doesn’t mean sharing every minute detail of your life. If you do, readers will doubtless expire of boredom by or before the end of your story. So use your best judgment. (This tip is null and void if you’re a felon on the lam, oyster eater, or cat lover.)

5. Study the Masters
Stroll over to your local library and take a gander at some established humor authors. Skim some books. Are you chuckling wildly after a chapter or two? What makes that chapter, paragraph, person or topic humorous? How did the author construct his or her plot, characters, setting, tempo, and transitions? Sometimes an ordinary occurrence can turn into an adventure in hilarity if the author tells it that way. (Sometimes it can wind up a wrong turn down a one-way street, but let’s not go there.)

6. Double check everything!
Thoroughly proof your manuscript before sending it out. Nothing screams “amateur!” like typpos, missspeld werds or pore grammur. Ask a family member or friend to read your work. They may catch mistakes you haven’t.

Read your piece out loud. U’d bee soo-prized howe meny “oopses” yul find wen u reed yer werk alowd. You’ll also get a better “feel” for important elements of humor writing such as pacing, dialogue, and voice.

7. Rewrite, rewrite, rewrite.
How long did it take me to write my first humor book, Guys and Other Near-Humans? Or my next, how I got to be fifty and other atrocities? (Subtle plug here, in case you missed it.) Do you want the whole nine yards or the condensed version? Okay. Condensed version: about four years. Each. Just keep at it and be sure to pack a lunch.

8. A final tip: Be patient with yourself.
Don’t take rejection letters personally. Learn from them and those kindly acquisition editors - yes, there are one or two - so you’ll avoid repeating the same mistakes.

Keep writing and learning. Keep an eye out for new material. It materializes in the most unusual places: dead of night, while driving, in the shower, or arguing the nutritional merits of broccoli with an eight year-old. Keep submitting and practice, practice, practice.

Humor writing is hard work. What?! Do you think I was born this funny? So if you’re warming up your funny bone and planning to join the literary luminaries of the humor world, good for you! Now stop reading and knock out some silliness and smiles! Lord knows we can use more of both – and lots more dessert!

(This article apepars at the author's blog, http://www.KristineLowder.wordpress.com, and also appeared in the December issue of A Long Story Short.)

10 Commandments for Urinal Etiquette

2011-02-24T07:59:00.002-07:00

Warning: Some may find this post offensive.

I am delighted to have a guest blogger this blog. See Nicole's bio at end of post.

Having been on this earth for close to 50 years, I have seen my fair share of urinals. Women may wonder why men have such strong feelings about urinal etiquette, but if you are a man, you understand. There are just certain rules that every man should follow when he enters a restroom and needs to use a urinal. Here are the 10 Commandments for proper Urinal Etiquette.

Number 1

When going number 1, simply go about your business and take care of nature's call. You are there for one reason and one reason only. You need to relieve yourself from the build up in your bladder. Do not use the time to hum, sing or make any other funny noises. Keep your mind focused on the business at hand.

Number 2

This goes without saying, but I'll say it any way. Use the urinal for what it was designed to do. Never do number 2 in a urinal. In case you don't know what that reference is to, I will enlighten you. Don't do what both men and women do sitting down. Only do what men do standing and women do sitting down. Okay, never poop in the urinal. You may be extremely drunk or even totally angry with the owner of the establishment, but never do something that would upset your mother.

Number 3

Take good aim. Take a grip on your appendage and make sure you are aimed at the center of the urinal so that you do not cause any splash outside of the intended target. Be sure to stand close enough to the urinal so you won't miss. Caution should be taken when the urinal is set too low or too high as it can sometimes cause difficulty in directing the flow exactly in the right place.

Number 4

The "hockey puck" is there for a reason. Do not mess with the white tablet that sometimes rests at the bottom of the urinal. A very conscientious worker puts it there in order to keep the smell of urine from fouling the entire bathroom. A clean urinal is a good urinal.

Number 5

Selecting the right urinal is important. When you walk in to the bathroom and no one is there, simply pick any clean urinal. For some reason, I don't like the urinal closest to the door. If there are other people using the urinals, select one at least one space away. Never use the urinal right next to someone else, unless there is no other choice. It is better to step up next to someone than to stand patiently while they finish because you might be accused of trying to sneak a peek while they are exposed.

Number 6

Don't throw cigarette butts in to the urinal. First of all, you should not be smoking in the bathroom and second of all, it is a disgusting and filthy practice that someone has to clean up.

Number 7

Conversation should not be a part of urination. Don't answer your cell phone at the urinal. It can wait until you leave the restroom. No one wants to watch you fish the cell phone out of the urinal. You can call them back after your task is done.

Number 8

It is okay to use the potty for urinating when all the urinals are taken. Shy people can also feel safe behind the closed door of the stall.

Number 9

Urinals with dividers are better. This gives each user a bit more privacy and makes it easier to go.

Number 10

Stay away from urinals that are stuffed up and have liquid up to the top. The next pull of the handle might cause a serious overflow and a mess on your expensive shoes.

In conclusion, practicing good urinal etiquette is what separates the crude from the refined. As a society, we should strive to be the best we can be. Teach young boys proper urinal etiquette and they will grow up to be solid citizens of our country.

Nicole Rodgers has been blogging for 3 years; she currently helps people study for their DMV test and recommends sites to find free insurance quotes.

Paradigms: A Fun Exercise

2011-02-21T11:00:00.002-07:00

There is much talk about paradigms these days. Paradigms are not new. Many famous people have talked about them for decades. They are just a realization of how you look at things in a certain way…the exercises are eye-opening. Being a previous trainer in corporate America, I wanted to show this exercise for a long time and haven’t…no excuses, I just haven’t. I didn’t invent this exercise but in business training, it was always fun to do. It can enlighten you on your own paradigms.

Here is the simple exercise. What is the pattern in these numbers?

8 5 4 9 7 6 3 2 0

Most people will look for the obvious…others will have seen the exercise but not remember what the answer is and still others will remember seeing the exercise and know the correct answer. Which one are you?

Evolution of Reading: We Are The New Scanners

2011-02-13T15:02:00.000-07:00

Reading has evolved and I am not sure that what we currently do can technically be called “reading” as it is more “scanning” than actual reading. We have become a society of scanners instead of curious people that want to read about the juicy details in stories. I am still “old school” in that I read ALL the words that are written. Sure, I scan some articles but when it generally is just for research and not something I WANT to read. Books cannot be replaced by computer screens of any kind, in my opinion.

I was recently given some expensive clothing from a friend and decided I didn’t have the need for it so I sold it on eBay. I was very careful to put the material it was made of, the size (in black bold) large letters/numbers, and the brand of the clothing on the ad for auction. I placed all the details I would want on the ad plus where the item might be appropriate to wear. Some fabulous pictures (if I do say so myself) taken on a partial mannequin hanging from the ceiling. It was just like taking photos of a model (only no drama and the mannequin didn’t require all that makeup since the head was a hanger)…

Hands down, the most asked question was “what size is it?” Are you kidding me? I so wanted to reply: “Are you #%^@*! BLIND…it is in BOLD on the advertisement you idiot?” “You don’t deserve to have these expensive clothes since you can’t read!” “Let them go to someone who is more literate than you, PLEASE!”

I have a 100% satisfaction rating and want to keep it that way. It is important to me. So, I took a deep breath and realized everyone misses things when reading.

I changed into my cheery helpful oh so nice customer service hat, my brain kicked in and my fingers typed a reply that was much different than my first reaction. More like: “The size on your item is (brand name) size 0. In real sizes that equates to a Misses 6-8 in other stores. Remember that is has 5% spandex so it can fit up to size 10, depending on how you like tops to fit. Please let me know if there is anything else I can help you with on this item. All the best, THE extremely gracious seller.

Then there was another and another asking the same question. I checked the ads to make sure the size was included and it was there in big bold letters/numbers, just like I wrote it. WHEW! I was beginning to doubt my own abilities of writing an ad.

After I got past several of those, another person wanted the measurements from another item…not just size but actual measurements: the measurements from one shoulder to another, the length from end of collar to end of garment, the sleeve length, inseam length and of course if I would bundle the shipping if she won more than one item.

Okay, okay, I know these items were a REAL bargain. If these measurements were crucial, wouldn’t you think the person would actually go buy it at the store on clearance so they could try the item on? I would have.

I found a cloth measuring tape and carefully measured each one of the places twice to ensure accuracy and typed each one of the measurements (checked those also) with my customer service graciousness. The person never bid on the item (no surprise) but it went to a very happy customer.

We are all guilty of not seeing things (or remembering them after we saw them) that are right in front of us so I did realize we are all human and can miss things. I have done it myself…now, agreeing on me being human might be up for grabs…but that is another post.

I will admit that I was so ready to get rid of the items; I would have given them away after that experience if they hadn’t sold. The experience was way to high-maintenance for me. I packed the sold items and got them to the post office in the middle of a snow storm just to get them out of the house and have the experience behind me. This may be my last eBay listing. Somehow, I thought the caliber of people would be higher than craigslist. What was I thinking?

Have you had similar experiences on eBay?

A Tribute to Stick Men: Our First Person

2011-02-06T13:57:00.003-07:00

Remember stick men? They were the first things we learned to draw when we were kids. When the teacher said, “Draw a person.” We would draw a stick man. We were little and knew only straight lines. Since then, some of us have learned that you can curve the line to make it more pleasing to the eye. This video caught my eye because of the stick man, who is the star of the video but also because someone realized that the stick man can be a secret agent, a spy, a hero, a superhero just like we did in the beginning of our life. A child-like celebration for us all!

Enjoy!

(due to copyright laws, I can not put the video in here so you will have to click on the link)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0_fPV13lKm4&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Please leave a comment if you are so inclined.

Watch for the "Open Here" Instructions

2011-01-31T11:00:00.004-07:00

With all the technology we have now days, I have yet to be able to unwrap a stick of butter without leaving some of the wrapper behind or getting the cube of butter all over my hands. Why hasn’t someone invented a butter unwrapper by now? There should be one of those at “As Seen on TV” promotions.

The same goes for those packages that have printed on them, “open here”…which can’t be opened without a tool in that particular place. I still love the soda can cases that tell you to open them so it will be easier for you to take one can out at a time after you store the entire box in the refrigerator…the flap can never be opened easily without scissors. And, the last time I used scissors I punched a hole in one of the aluminum cans! I know what you are thinking… Yes, I put my mouth over it and drank it that way, since it was already opened. The soda can used to be the hardest part to get open, but now, it is easier to open the can than it is the packaging it comes in!

The best is the mayonnaise jars and salad dressing containers. You have to take that stinking cardboard off the top in order for you to use the contents. What is that about? Do the manufacturers now hire people that will contaminate the contents? Does someone want to open up the container and put something in there that we didn’t pay for? The containers need the “jaws of life” to open them! And, with 80% of the population on some kind of drug, I doubt anyone would notice if there was anything in there that would hurt them. Could it be worse than the prescription drug they are taking?

Most containers can’t be opened without getting your hands messy. We have to believe that the manufacturers have our best interests in mind and that messy hands are here to stay.

Have a Nice Day

2011-01-24T11:07:00.001-07:00

Do most of the people you deal with on a daily basis still say, “Have a nice day” or some version of that phrase? Do you take it to heart? Do you feel bad that someone has said to have a nice day and at the end of the day, you realize you didn’t? Do you say to yourself, “Oops! That clerk told me to have a nice day and I didn’t do it. What will they think of me next time I see them?”

Do 90% of those people say those words as they are moving and you miss some portion of it?

If we all had a nice day every day, how would we know if we had a bad day? There would be nothing to compare it to. The days would become “regular” and not nice at all, wouldn’t they?

When do we ever look in the mirror and say, “This is going to be a nice day”…we don’t. We just figure we get what we get and make the best of the day. At the end of that day, we anticipate another (hopefully) and it feels much like the one before, with different highlights in it and sometimes new playmates.

Will the phase, “Have a nice day” ever go out of style? Most phrases have a short life. Why is it that this one has continued long after it should have died? Can someone please think of a new one?!

If someone has made the moment a wonderful one, let’s share how they did that for us and how that felt to us instead of mimicking the words “Have a nice day.” It isn’t everyone that can actually make moments in your day wonderful. Repeating the words like a puppet doesn’t make your day, doing something nice for others does.

Home Automation for the Paranoid

2011-01-16T08:44:00.003-07:00

AJ Wilcox and I have teamed up on this post. He has been a delight to work with and easy going about the project. Please visit his home page at http://wwwbigfishautomation.com.

Home Automation for the Paranoid

Are you paranoid about the security of your home? Always worrying about someone accosting your house or hiding in your bushes? Let’s find out what is available to help alleviate those fears, shall we?

Outside

Before anyone can get into your home, they have to approach it. That's why security cameras were invented.

Motion-sensing cameras around the perimeter of your home make it a piece of cake to see anything happening on your property. Just remember, there will be things that you can’t unsee later. Consider yourself warned.

Cameras can be programmed to record to a digital DVR's hard drive ON MOTION - so no rewinding through hours of video to see which of your neighbors was snooping - your video will only contain the parts where something is occurring.

What if someone starts creeping around at night? You can get cameras that have an infrared sensor - better known as night vision. You can paint your face black to go undetected yourself…just don’t open your eyes.

Inside

Is your paranoia overwhelming? Are you afraid someone is going to get inside your home while you are away? There, there… I understand your condition.

Security systems are very common. Feel better, now? No? You want the bells and whistles too? You want an integrated alarm system? You want motion detectors in your indoor cameras? You want lights that automatically come on since you have forgotten where the light switch is? You can have it all!

If you habitually leave the house without locking the doors, you can even get automated door locks. You can pull up a map of your home (in case you haven’t seen portions of it for quite some time) on your iPad and see which doors are locked and unlocked. Let’s see, is it green if they are locked or it is red?

On The Go

Worried about your home while you are at work or in your car…you can just whip out your iPhone or Android, and everything is right there. Check the status of, or set anything, from anywhere.

Basically, no matter how paranoid you are, home automation exists to help you feel more in control of your life. We all have our quirks! It seems home automation can really save someone’s sanity. And, of course if you're in the Utah area, we know a great home automation company that can help with the setups.

3 Things to Keep You Safe in the Emergency Room

2011-01-08T13:00:00.003-07:00

We all have things that happen in our lives that have taken us to the emergency room. I am more dangerous in the emergency room than most people. I am easily bored and the personnel do leave you alone most of the time…If I could only go to sleep, everyone would be safe.

Unfortunately, that is never the case for me. There are way too many lights to snooze; too much activity to relax and most importantly, too many new toys to play with I don't have at home.

One of the funniest things in the ER is the gowns they use. Why are they cloth instead of the paper kind you get at the doctor’s office? Putting on the gown is a test and if you can figure out how to snap the shoulders and arms and tie it yourself (in the back), they will treat your illness. If not, well, you might be asked to leave. Why do they have a pocket looking opening on the right side at chest level? If they use the opening for monitoring the heart, wouldn’t it be easier to get the patient to put the gown on with the opening in the front and do away with the pocket?

Another thing I noticed is that if a guy says his pain level is a four, the nurses say that he is masking it well. If a woman says her pain level is four, the nurses wonder why she is in the ER. If you are a woman and say to the nurse that your pain level is at a ten, she pretends you didn’t say that and backs out of the room, slowly.

In my few hours visit in the ER, I found a variety of toys that are fun to play with. A bed that goes up and down; can be lifted and lowered in positions that would make anyone ill at some point. You have to wonder why a patient would ever need to be in some of those positions but I guess there are all types of illnesses.

In my small room, there were two hand sanitizers that never got used by anyone. I have to question why two were needed in a room that small and I have to say that the locations of them were not ergonomically correct.

The nurses do like to ask you if you are allergic to anything over and over again. Can someone remember this, please? You’re scaring me. Also, they print off an entire page of labels with your name on them, the date you came to visit but only use one or two of them. Why do they need an entire page of labels for anyone in the emergency room? Everything in the room had a label on it by the time I left. I even had my name on the door.

Oh, and I can’t leave out the exceedingly young person from the admitting office that comes to gather the $200 copay from you while you are in so much pain. They are way too perky for a collection agency.

When it came time for me to leave, the staff said they would never forget me. How great is that for people that see hundreds of folks every night? I was so touched! I wish I could remember their names but the drugs worked much too quickly.

4 Very Quick Reads

2011-01-03T04:30:00.002-07:00

Some Things You Just Can’t Make Up

Here are a few things I found on the FML website for entertainment. Some of the words have been changed to make them less offensive…

I was walking when a man pointed a camera at me, so I decided to be nasty about it and say, "Did I say you could take a picture?" and he replied with, "No, but can you get out of the way so I can take one of my wife and kids." I turn around, and they were right behind me.

Today, my car was in the shop so I borrowed my wife's VW Beetle convertible. It's really embarrassing because it's a girlie car and it's full of little stuffed animals. At a stop light a man asked me if I'd like to borrow one of his testicles because "every man should have at least one."

My mother called me downstairs to give me what I assumed was going to be "The Talk" (About four years too late). So she sits me down, holds my hands, and with the gentlest, most motherly expression on her face tells me, "Honey, if you ever come home pregnant, I'll kill you and the baby."

I was at my church’s spaghetti dinner with my family. My brother shook up my mom's soda, as a prank. My entire church witnessed my mom waving around an overflowing Diet Coke while my dad yelled, "Come on, put your mouth on it! Suck it! Suck it, Kathy!!"

We all say or do silly stuff at one time or another and wish that no one witnessed it. Hope these gave you a chuckle.

Disclaimer: Smiling and laughing may be good for your health. Making the load of life lighter is always a great thing.

A GPS for Santa

2010-12-27T17:26:00.000-07:00

Today, the post is a delightful guest post, from Jeanne Kraus, Educator, Author, and Speaker and you can check out her blog at http://jeannekrasus.blogspotcom or her website at http://www.jeannekraus.com. Jeanne was gracious enough to share this post with us. I believe we can all relate….with a smile, now that it is over.

I must say, my husband, George makes a great Santa. With his red suit and beard and make-up, he’s the real thing. I am his devoted and mostly ignored spouse, Mrs. Claus.

Unforeseen circumstances caused friction between the jolly old man and I as we traveled to do goodly deeds Christmas Eve. Unfortunately, Santa’s twelve-year-old pick-up truck was not yet outfitted with a GPS so we were on our own. And Santa doesn’t have the memory he once had. As we made one wrong turn after another, I began to think that he resembled a Grumpy more than a Santa.

“You said to turn right,” Santa snarled through his beard.

“I can’t remember, “ I confessed. After all, I’ve never had illusions about the fact that I can’t find my way out of a shopping bag.

“Turn left!” I yelled. Santa jumped.

With exaggerated patience and a tad of sarcasm, Santa spoke. “No, we went that way already. We’re going around in circles.”

Santa was posturing, heading for a fight. Where was Rudolph when I needed him?

I gave him my best Mrs. Claus look. “If you don’t talk nice to me, Santa, you can just let me out and go by yourself.”

Despite the fact that he knew I would not get out and walk home, he didn’t take me up on it. I was lucky.

By the time we reached our destination, Santa and Mrs. Claus were not speaking. The front door flew open. Santa belted out in his deep voice, “Ho, Ho, Ho! Merry Christmas!”

Jerk! I muttered.

Santa got a rousing greeting, and was hustled over to the Chair of Honor. Mrs. Claus was flattened by the stampede of children streaming toward Santa. As I readjusted my festive hat and jingle bells, I looked at Santa. There he sat, cradling a three-week-old baby in his arms, surrounded by adoring children. The spirit of Christmas had worked its magic on me. That and our new GPS, which will help Santa on his rounds next year.

In Flight Magazines

2010-12-14T14:22:00.000-07:00

Do you enjoy the in-flight magazines? I read them just for entertainment as many people do. After all, on a plane, everyone is literally, a captive audience.

I enjoy the ads and what they are saying…or just trying to imply. There is an ad for “The Original Hawaiian Slipper Pendant with Diamonds.” What this represents is the casual lifestyle of the island. Seriously? Have you been there? Traffic is horrendous in the city. Why would anyone want a flip-flop around their neck for $200? The chain is additional (doesn’t come with the necklace)…isn’t that called a charm?

Then there is one for Garmin, which claims to be the thinnest navigator in the world. Does anyone care how thin their GPS unit is? I don’t think so. What they do care about is that it gets them from point A to point B in a quick manner. Being voice activated sounds great but in my experience, it doesn’t seem to save you time, especially if an accent is involved.

Welcome to Santa Barbara where women with clingy dresses wear high heels to walk in the vineyards and men with suits dirty their shoes in the mud of the vineyard. The woman looks at the man with delight while the man looks at the vineyard in lust. Instead of wine country, they advertise it as WIN country…because they now have casinos.

Last but not least, entertainment at 30,000 feet. The Pandigital. “You can take your favorite books, music, videos, photos, and more with you anywhere you go. Connect to the Internet at home or on the road via Wi-Fi hotspots and check e-mail, surf the web, or keep in touch through all your social networking sites.” Uh, did someone forget that we have limited space and are instructed to turn off our electronic devices or get escorted off the plane? Josh, do you care to comment?

Pounds and Time...It is All so Confusing

2010-12-07T14:05:00.000-07:00

I recently returned from traveling and can’t seem to shake a problem I had with the airlines on the weight of my luggage. I am amazed and somewhat ashamed at how much stuff I took with me, but to defend myself, I was packing to be gone three weeks!

How did the nomadic people do it? Traveling from place to place with all their belongings and no suitcases? I wish I knew one to interview! I just know it would have made a difference in the weight of my luggage.

First the counter agent tells me that my bag is overweight so I take it 30 feet from the counter and put it on the scale across the aisle and it weighs less than 50 lbs. but the counter agent instructs me to open it up and rearrange stuff anyway. Who knew a fleece jacket weighed a pound and a half? They understood I had a flight to catch, right? Did they not see the stress in my facial expressions on being able to get to the airport two hours ahead of my scheduled flight; packing for hours; finding a parking spot for the car; then a shuttle and getting all these bags to the counter? Did they not smell the sweat from getting these bags here?

Who calibrates these machines? Why don’t they say the same weight? Why do the airlines go by the scale in front of them but not the one 30 feet away? How can they not be the same weight? The airline knows I have a flight to catch, right?

Welcome to REAL life and all the idiosyncrasies of living in a world of a traveling society. I found my share of craziness before the flight!

My mind wanders to buying a bathroom scale at the department store. How do people decide? If they step on one and they weigh less than they think they should, do they buy that one or continue shopping until they find one where they weigh less?

Real poundage is almost as confusing as real time, isn’t it?

Snippets of Funny Things

2010-11-20T10:28:00.001-07:00

Have you ever walked out of a room with a rug (not wall to wall carpet) in it and walked back in later to find the rug messed up? What happens to the rug when we leave the room? Are there invisible gremlins in our houses that love to make us feel crazy? Do they laugh when they see that our minds are churning to solve the issue of a rug being out of place when we return to the room?

When we are walking and trip, have you ever noticed that we look back to see what the culprit was? We glare at it! Are we trying to make the object feel bad for being there when we didn’t watch for a problem in our path?

It is almost inevitable now days to go into a women’s restroom and a cell phone rings. Is someone watching to see when someone visits? Are women setting timers for their phones to ring so they don’t feel alone in the bathroom?

For all the people and birds in the world, isn’t it amazing that there are not more people that get pooped on by the birds? Is the average 1 in 1000? How many people do you know that have collected bird poop on their clothes or hair?

Has someone asked you how you feel and you have said one of the following: like the loser in a prize fight; run over by a Mac truck; gone through the ringer of a wash machine? Let’s hope none of us find out how those things really feel!

2010-11-12T16:15:00.000-07:00

It has been said that silence is a source of great strength. There are many types of silence, for instance: anger, grief, sadness and confusion. The most comforting is said to be the state of being at peace. Using silence takes practice and one of the crucial parts of that practice is observing; observing your own breathing, your thoughts, your feelings and your sensations.

The ability to remain calm comes in handy when you have moments in life that require the focus of your emotions. Maintaining calmness and focus under emotional upheaval can save a life.

There is a large body of research that suggests meditation as a form of relief from stress, high blood pressure, and anxiety. We train our bodies, why not train our minds?

Meditation doesn’t mean you have to sit on the floor in a certain position. In fact, you can meditate walking in the park…anywhere and anytime you can be quiet for a while. No special equipment is needed, no special training, just quiet moments.

Balancing those moments with loud and long laughter is crucial to your well being. A few years ago, I took a class on meditation and could not get focused on being quiet. I ended up leaving the class and so did a few others since they were laughing uncontrollably. We had a case of the giggles! Some days, your body and mind can be quiet and others…well, it just isn’t your day for that.

In Sync with your Desk

2010-11-03T12:29:00.000-06:00

What kind of relationship do you have with your desk? Most people that have desks, love them. Despite the growing trend of expecting workers to work on the go, we humans like our desks and can easily make one where ever we happen to be.

Desks can hold books, notes, calendars and of course computers…almost all that a person would need to do their chosen work and communicate effectively with others.

Some creative minds like having things visible as they never know how stray thoughts can fit together. Others like their desk to be organized so nothing distracts them from what they are doing at the time. I have read that people with messier desks are more open to new ideas. No matter what type of person you are, is seems that if when your workspace is in sync with you, you are a happier more productive individual.

In an office environment, we tend to think of the desk as protection between us and others than intrude our office. For some, just knowing they have a desk, brings comfort. For others it is their home away from home. To most people it is their workspace and they need it to retreat from endless meetings, unrealistic deadlines, constant interruptions, and the time-consuming supervision of others.

Grab that little piece of chocolate stashed in the top drawer and close your eyes for a moment. Ahhh…now THAT’S what desks are really for.

Keep going Until We Stop

2010-10-30T16:28:00.001-06:00

Scott Stratten spoke at a "TED" event.

For those that don't know, it's an event where speakers go for 5-18
minutes on one idea.

This video is well worth your time! Take a look!

The session is called "Keep Going Until We Stop"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Cakm2nIQWo

Modern Conveniences…Taking them for Granted

2010-10-27T13:02:00.001-06:00

Have you thought about how modern conveniences save you time, let you enjoy life more, or are just a wonderful part of your life?

Most of us don’t. We take them for granted. We are spoiled in all the modern conveniences and have come to believe we deserve them. They have become so much a part of our lives; we give little thought to them, unless they are temporarily taken away. We panic if we can’t find our cell phones, even when we are at home!

If your electricity goes off in the night, you get a wake-up call (not literally) on taking the electricity for granted. You also get to show your skills on time-management! A nice two-for-one.

The bathroom is another place we take for granted. Running water at our disposal 24/7 --- a luxury that the pioneers couldn’t dream of. The only time we have to go without water is when our pipes freeze or the water heater has decided it is done with our ungratefulness. A rare occurrence. Sometimes we get more than we bargained for when our facet water can be lit on fire but for the most part, we take it for granted that when we turn on the facet, clean water spews out quickly.

Yes, in our modern lives we complain about bosses that are expecting too much of us. NEWS FLASH! We all get the same amount of time in a day. We have companies that will bring us food, already cooked, when we want it; deliver clean clothes to our door; we can order nearly everything our heart desires. We don’t have to plan our lives since we can go online, order what we want in the blink of an eye with a credit card number and have it delivered tomorrow. After all, purchases have become emotional decisions and life is stressful. Has stress become the catch-all for our debt mismanagement?

Can you imagine pioneers getting emotional about flour and sugar? Chopping wood in minus 30 degree weather to heat the water for a bath or to cook a meal? Do you think they could comprehend, “emotional eating?”

In our modern day lives, most of us are not capable of making sacrifices. We only have to pop that container on the corner of the counter and turn on the oven because nothing says lovin’ like something in the oven!

Apple 3G Phone for Dummies

2010-09-26T18:14:00.000-06:00

I hate talking about relationships on the internet, but this one isn’t with another person, it is with my iPhone. Almost two years ago, I got an iPhone. I was so excited to have it since it was considered an “exclusive” for cell phone users. It was a gift. I saw how much other new users enjoyed it and I was thrilled to have one. I’ll admit that I enjoyed all the bells and whistles that came with it. Once the glow of having one wore off, I started to see if for what it was. Oh, wait, this seems like a “person” relationship.

Here are a few things that have become a source of frustration over the last 20 months of my relationship with this phone.

You can have full bars and the call still gets dropped. 3G and full bars mean NOTHING! As with any phone, the calls get dropped in the middle of huge cities where cell phone towers are abundant… but, it seems to enjoy the outskirts of towns. When you get out in the country, well, your phone is about as worthless as a tin can…okay, not that bad, you can still text but using the phone as a phone is not an OPTION.

Although 3G was “the best” when the phones came out, my iPhone tends to forget that it is a mobile phone. The phone works well in the house, most of the time, but get it in the car and it suddenly gets Alzheimer’s. It can’t remember where I am or where I want to go!

GPS navigation? You have got to be kidding! This phone has serious issues! This navigation can’t take you anywhere…ok, maybe to the bathroom, but most people remember that one on their own.

All those apps are fun at first then you realize you can’t use them for very long since the battery wears down so quickly. The battery needs to be recharged about 3 times a day. Yes, it eats more power than most humans eat food!

The inconsistency of alerts is amazing! You chose one tone for the text messages and the crazy phone will do another sometimes when a text comes in…what tha…? In fact, it uses the same tone you have picked for your “new email” alert. GREAT! So, you think an email came in and can attend to it later when it was really a text saying, there is an emergency at work you need to make a PRIORITY! The reminder of appointments is annoying since you put them in your phone thinking it will be nice and remind you of them, sometimes the phone reminder won’t go off until you slide the slider. Can you say, ANNOYING?

The auto brightness is inconsistent also. You can go out in the sunlight and it should automatically be brighter or go indoors and it should be darker…but that isn’t what happens. Sometimes it works and sometimes…well, you are on your own. Why take the time to set settings that just can’t seem to work for you 85% of the time?

One last thing. The phone will allow you to multi-task when you are on a call…sometimes. There seems to be no rhyme or reason for when it allows you to multi-task and when it doesn’t. It just seems to allow less and less access to the things I thought I needed to make my life EASIER.

On the PLUS side, the phone does have an on-screen keyboard, so it saves you from flipping the keyboard out each time you need to use it…BUT, you guessed it, it is again inconsistent as to when the keyboard shows up. Sometimes, it never does…like times when you want to make a list; it seems to forget that you need the keyboard to do that.

You need a crystal ball to work this phone!!!!!

Tell me, how do you like your cell phone? Is it what you thought it would be when you signed up? Has it made your life easier or more complicated? Has it become one of those necessary evils in your life? Has your relationship lost its new spark before the contract is up? Is this all too familiar?

Southwest Airlines Rules and Regulations

2010-09-15T21:43:00.000-06:00

Okay, I get it that I am a very “interesting” person. I have been told that many times and if I had a quarter for each of them I can remember, I would not be writing to you today! I would be sitting on a beach in Cancun sipping a fruity drink. Since that didn’t happen, here I am today, writing about something equally interesting…Southwest Airlines’ special luggage rules.

Ah, come on, don’t be like that.

Here are some rules I thought were unique and because I like to give fair warning, please make note of these in case you are planning a trip soon! Southwest takes these rules seriously!

Alcohol

Alcohol content may not exceed 70% by volume (140 proof).

I didn’t even know they made alcohol with that large of a percentage! Shows you how long it has been since I had a drink! Sounds like it would kill anything in your body and maybe your body too!

Can you even read the bottle after you have drank alcohol that is 140 proof? Who would care what proof it was?

Dry Cell Batteries (these are everyday batteries)
Any Alkaline, NiCad, Nickel Metal Hydride (NiMH), Silver Oxide and Carbon Zinc batteries similar to those used in flashlights or commonly used electronic devices are allowed onboard the aircraft.

These items must be securely installed in equipment or have exposed terminals protected in a manner to prevent short circuit. Electrical tape, individually bagging batteries in sealable plastic bags, or plastic covers designed to protect the terminals from short circuit would all meet this requirement.

Are you kidding me? They have to be securely installed in equipment? Who knew electronics would work if you didn’t do that?

Film

The screening equipment that inspects your checked luggage may damage undeveloped film in camera equipment. We recommend that you put undeveloped film and cameras containing undeveloped film in your carryon baggage. The screening equipment will not damage camera images.

There are two different types of screening equipment? One for carry on and one for baggage going in the baggage compartment? Does the baggage in baggage compartment get screened better? Or maybe not at all? How can the carry on screening process not damage film but see through my clothes? Technology! Ain’t it great!?

Animals

The carrier may contain two (2) cats or dogs and must be of the same species per carrier.

No mixing species, people!

The animals must be harmless, not disruptive, odorless, and require no attention during flight.

Good thing there are no rules like this for the passengers. The plane would be mostly empty!

Musical Instruments

Reservations must be made and a ticket must be purchased at a charge no greater than the Child's Fare. Musical instruments cannot be transported in place of a free companion under any fare promotion.

Okay, you know this rule was made because someone tried this and because there wasn’t a rule yet, the airline had to let them do it, once.

Firearms

Our Customers must declare the gun to the Customer Service Agent at the ticket counter (no firearms will be accepted curbside) and ensure that the firearm(s) chambers are free of ammunition and the magazine clip has been removed (when applicable). Paintball guns and BB guns are considered the same as all other firearms.

Can you just see someone getting tired of waiting in line, shouting, “gun” so they can cut ahead? Everyone would move out of their way and let them through! No one would be angry at them for it; at least not the first time they did it.

Parachutes

Parachutes are allowed in checked or carryon baggage, but may not be worn in flight.

You know it will be a bad flight when you see a passenger wearing a parachute! Without any announcements, you might as well grab your carry-on bag and get off the plane NOW!

Overnight Amenity Kits for Lost Luggage

One of the best kept secrets is the small overnight kits available for lost luggage. The most you will get is: shampoo, soap, a toothbrush and toothpaste, a razor and sometimes a little laundry soap to wash out those undies you will have to wear again tomorrow. ;-) I know, it sounds gross but you will survive. You think going without underwear would be better?

When you receive your kit, you will quickly realize that you have been over packing all this time. Amazing what you can and do get by with in a pinch. We are all survivors! (can you hear the “Rocky” theme song?)

Sign, Sign, Everywhere a Sign

2010-09-11T16:05:00.001-06:00

Recently, I took a short trip within 70 miles of my home. What in the world was I doing on this trip? Actually, I am always thinking and I do my best thinking when I am doing something else that may be “automatic” for my brain…driving happens to be one of those things, for me. I needed a break from writing sales copy…FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY…YOU HAVE BEEN EXCLUSIVELY SELECTED…and all of that other crazy stuff written on sales letters.

One of the things that caught my brain cell was a sign that read, “Trucks entering highway”, which appears on many different roads in our wonderful, colorful state. I found this interesting and I am going to share my thoughts with you whether you like it or not.

If a truck is entering a highway, I do believe, even with my limited vision, I would see it and don’t need a sign to tell me there is one coming (which could make me paranoid) and I could run off the other side of the road watching or looking for a truck which may or may not be coming my way. Something much smaller could justify a sign…a snake, wildlife, glass on the road, a stopped vehicle, or a pedestrian? I can see a truck! I would probably see the other stuff too, but I am trying to make a point.

Another sign I thought was an interesting one was a sign that says what county you are in. Does anyone really care what county they are in? Couldn’t we save the material that goes into that sign for license plates of something useful? Can’t we find a better use of the person’s time than putting up a county sign that only I will see? I could have done without it, truthfully!

I care about what city I am in, but only barely. I care more about an address or street name than anything…beyond that, I don’t think I need signs that tell me where I am and mile markers that tell me how many miles since I entered the state.

And speaking of mile markers, why do we need one that says, 67.5? Is that information relevant to anyone? I guess for someone whose car just broke down…possibly it could be important when you were calling for help. Generally, people just look for a person, not a mile marker, don’t they? Who can see those little things in the dark? Besides, your car knows better than to break down by a mile marker…that would make it easier for you to actually be located and for someone to help you.

Life doesn’t always make sense, does it?

Old Friends

2010-08-31T19:13:00.002-06:00

Isn’t it great when out of the blue, you hear from a friend that you have wanted to talk with but never made the call? I feel bad, embarrassed and so happy all at once!

Bad because I didn’t take the time to call them when I was thinking of them.

Embarrassed because I didn’t take the time to call them when I was thinking of them.

So Happy because they didn’t put it off calling any longer and they were thinking of me too!
We remember that she introduced me to funnel cake and that I drag her to every waterfall on the planet! We are great travel partners and seem to be on the same waking and sleeping schedule. We talk about all our memories of how we met and what we have been doing in the last few months…soon, we realize that we are still talking to our dearest friend although many, many years have gone by since we first met.

We talk about bad perms, our hairstyles over the years, how important fashionable clothes were when we were teen-agers and first entering the working world, how comfort over fashion wins every time with shoes now, and how crazy our lives were when our kids lived at home. But mostly, we talk about how precious our friendship is and how it remains one of the top ten beautiful things in our lives.

As always, we vow not to let so much time pass before we talk again…but we always do. Thankfully, we are in fairly good health and don’t give a thought about the other person not being there.

After we have talked for hours, we say silly things like, “don’t be a stranger” when we are not strangers at all. We are so much a part of each other’s lives in so many ways, even though we live 1600 miles away from each other. We tend to pick right up where we left off the last time we talked without missing a beat!

I, for one, believe true friendship aids tremendously to the quality of my life. Don’t let another day go by thinking of someone and not calling them…they are probably thinking of you too.

Good Advice is Not Always Good Advice

2010-08-23T18:28:00.001-06:00

Have you ever gotten words of wisdom, integrated them into your life, and then discovered that they were counter-productive to your goals and dreams?

We all mean well in giving advice, but seldom know others well enough to give them good advice. Good advice is based on conventional wisdom. It takes into account what has worked fairly successfully for some but that doesn’t mean it will work for you. The advice may have merit, but is it right for you?

If you solicit advice, you are sure to get a ton of it! It can kill your dreams quickly if you don’t listen to, and more importantly, understand what has happened in the person’s past that molded their way of thinking.

You see, there are people that view the world as a scary place and others that view the world full of opportunities and joy. That is not to say that every day is joyful, but that those joyful people tend to lean towards the “fun” part instead of the “fearful” part of life and see it through eyes of understanding instead of eyes of control.

For me, I believe the only thing we really have in life that cannot be taken away is our knowledge. I believe I have good advice to give but truly, the advice I would give is good for me and not many others. I choose to give encouragement instead.

One thing for sure is that if you can’t hear advice with a critical ear, you shouldn’t ask for it! You have a responsibility to hear the advice and take it, hear it and take portions of it, or hear it and be critical about whether you believe the advice is good for you and your situation. You can also disregard the advice altogether.

Good advice can be deadly to your dreams. Your responsibility is to view all advice with the awareness that it is your dream and your decision. Every dream involves risk.

The Complete Idiot’s Guide or the Dummies Book series?

2010-08-08T21:03:00.001-06:00

Have you ever read these books? Do you feel like you must really be dumb when you don’t get what they are trying to explain? I do. I have read many of them and am fairly well educated and I still get confused on how to do the things that they are trying to explain.

Take for instance the SEO Idiot’s book I just read. It talks about activating Google analytics; you sign up then are given instructions to cut & paste a given code to paste into your website code…I don’t do code and haven’t the faintest idea where to find it for my website. The instructions say “this code must be inserted into the underlying HTML of each page you want to track”…I am happy to do that but again, don’t do code, so where is the underlying HTML code for my website?

After some searching on the internet, taking with two friends and my mother, I finally find it! Then you are to place the code they have given you in the body text section of the section of your page. The body text section of the section of your page? What the heck does that mean? There is nothing in the HTML code that says </body>…I put it in the search box…it comes up with nothing.

Maybe, they should start from the beginning and tell us where the underlying HTML code is before they have us cut and paste something into it that may or may not work. After hours of searching for an answer, I realized I was dealing with something beyond my education, understanding or comprehension. I lost my motivation to track the traffic on my website. Where is the IT person when you need them?

Silly me, what did I expect from a company named GOOGLE? Or a book with “ Idiot’s” in the title?

Pet Ownership

2010-08-01T19:24:00.002-06:00

Statistics show us that about 60 percent of American households have at least one pet. That’s the majority. That leaves 40 percent of people who don’t have a Fido or Fofo living in their home.

Are the 40 percent, the smart ones? I believe we are. We get to sleep without hearing the whimpering of a pet that has been called by nature to empty their bladder. We sleep without worry of being awakened by a pet. We may worry about a burglar breaking in… but our pet waking us up, NEVER!
Some of us avoid pets due to allergies. I agree that wheezing and sneezing are not a good way to live and taking allergy medicine to have a pet seems well…just a little crazy.

People that don’t own pets get to walk bare foot in their homes without having to pick pet hair out from between their toes; they get to wear black pants without worrying about pet hair on them; they don’t trip and twist their ankles because they were trying to avoid a pet; they never have to smell that sickening aroma of pet food, wet or dry; they never have to worry about someone staring at them while they eat (unless they are in public); they still live plenty long without pets and parts of their lives are not spent yelling at an animal that doesn’t understand English; they don’t have surprises on the carpet when they have been gone longer than a pet bladder can hold it; they fill their purses with wallets and money, not doo-doo bags and pet treats; and the best reason is they don’t have to clean up large piles of poop in a public place!

Many pet owners will disagree and say that they get so much unconditional love from their pets; it makes up for all the “icky” stuff. I say, you are fooling yourselves: there is no unconditional love in the animal or human world and pets only love you because you feed them…stop feeding them and see if they hang around very long!

It’s okay to keep hanging on to those thoughts and PLEASE keep telling yourself that when Fofo poops on the carpet; or gets you up in the wee hours of the morning for a nature call; better yet, hang on to the unconditional love crap when you are smelling and scraping huge piles of dog poop off the grass at a nature park to carry home.

I will be the one staring, pointing and snickering at you. I still believe I am the SMART, no-pet owner!

Having Your Cake and Eating it Too

2010-07-26T19:12:00.002-06:00

Recently, I decided that I was done with depriving myself of not having cake just because I am alone. I always felt that it would be a waste of effort and time to make a cake for one person. I like cake. Especially spice cake with cream cheese frosting. I don’t want it all the time, but once or twice a year I do actually want a slice of cake. Why was I not making something I truly enjoyed? That seems more than a little odd, doesn’t it?

I had to change my thinking and yes, it took a while but I managed to turn things around in my head enough to feel good about it…ok, I finally accepted it.

WHAT was I thinking when I couldn’t allow myself one indulgence in life? Good grief! Cake mix has gotten CHEAP! You can make a cake and frost it too for two bucks! What tha…? That doesn’t make any sense in this economy!! Does anyone else know about this??

Anyway, I hid the mix in my grocery cart and got through the check-out stand without being mauled. WHEW!

It took me a few days to give in to the whining and fussing, but I caved. So what! I know you do this too!

In the process of making the cake I remembered giving the batter filled beaters to the children…right now, I was the only person in the room so I was the child and the adult (since you don’t allow children to use the electric mixer) and I was wondering how that might feel (to be an adult and lick those beaters clean, since they were so full of batter and I would go to hell if I just washed that wonderful spice batter down the drain.)

I was punished! I got a phone call within 20 seconds of indulging my tongue on those beaters…I licked quicker but knew I couldn’t lick those beaters clean before it went to voicemail. The rings were annoying me! I gave in! Licked those suckers so clean they looked like they just came out of the dishwasher.

Ahhhh…to nurture that inner child…so satisfying!

If the phone call was you, please call back.

You want what information for a Passport?

2010-07-13T07:19:00.003-06:00

For years, I have wanted to get a passport but obviously, I haven’t wanted to badly enough. I have found and maybe created so many excuses not to…then, eventually, I forget about it.

Recently, I have again decided to get one. The excitement this time was overwhelming and I had to have one. I already had a destination in mind…in fact, I picked out many destinations and I wanted to go NOW!

I got on the website and after a long, tedious, time-consuming search; I finally found the form I needed. I didn’t even look at it on the computer screen, I just hit the print box on the screen and my printer was obliged to register my command.

When I looked at the printed form, I was flabbergasted at what it was asking…who knew I would have to know any of this information??? My mother’s maiden name… got it! Father’s name… got it! Place of birth for mother, a little tougher but I got it. Father’s place of birth? A little tougher but once I sent away for and received my long form of birth certificate, I had that too. It was interesting that on my birth certificate, there is no time of birth. Did they not record that back when I was born??? No sense of time back then apparently. I digress.

I had to wonder how someone born in New Mexico meets with someone born in Missouri back then. How were they in the same place at the same time? What happened to get them there? How did they travel so far? Where did they meet? My father was 11 years older than my mother and I can’t help but wonder how well that went over with family. All questions that will go unanswered since anyone who might know those answers has long been gone.

Back to the #$%&! form. Seems fairly easy, so far. Now, that I have received my long-form birth certificate which I had waited two and one half weeks to receive. Now, comes the hard part. Being divorced more than 20 years ago and getting rid of the divorce papers more than 5 years ago, I now need them for a passport. Perfect! I am required to have my former husband’s place of birth, his birth date, and when we were married and divorced. This information will be tougher to find so I will need to go to the county in which we were divorced and pay someone to find these papers for me so I can fill out the paper for a passport. Can you believe this? The government keeps records on all of us and I have to pay someone in the government to find this information for me so I can obtain a government issued passport in the U.S.

This is just plain SILLY! I may be able to obtain all the information required on the form before I have to take my walker with me...then again, maybe not! Wish me luck!!!

Funny Things

2010-06-23T17:34:00.001-06:00

We have experts that tell us we are born to move…then we learn that being still is the only way to hear.

As we get older, is it our bodies that fail or is it that we are just suppose to be an enthusiastic reader and a comfy lap for the small grandchildren?

It is the same world, but since we have had many years in it already, aren’t we supposed to slow down and enjoy it more as we age?

I received a joke over the internet the other day poking fun of senior citizens and their lack of knowledge in technology. It was a cell phone with a rotary dial. What the person didn’t realize is that our memories are so short, we have forgotten how to use that dial too.

Funny, how we used the word retirement so often 10 years ago and now we rarely hear the word except for in magazines and books…not in conversation. We know that we are not going to retire but how many of us can be employed as the Walmart greeter…we will continue to have an unemployment issue the rest of our lives.

If sweating is so good for us, why do we have to raise our blood pressure to do it? Why is it so uncomfortable?

If I have so many toxins in my body, I would just as soon let them stay in there where they can’t do any harm!

The sleepless need to go to the doctor!

2010-06-14T16:38:00.001-06:00

I have trouble sleeping like so many other people I know. Just recently, I was up all night painting my garage. It wasn't so important that I had to go without sleep to get it done, it was just I couldn't sleep so I used the time wisely. I have never been a really good sleeper and don't think I ever will be.

One thing that is comical to me is that no matter how much sleep I have had the previous night, I can go into the doctors office and within ten minutes, I fall asleep.

It is as if they have a sleeping spray they spray in the room to keep us from getting impatient if we have to wait too long! I tend to laugh when I open the door to the doctor's office just because I know I will be asleep if I have to wait more than 10 minutes.

I don't fall asleep in the small room they put me in...oh, no, much too cold in there to sleep... but the waiting room...that is a whole different animal. I see others doing the same thing...their elbows falling off the arm rest then quickly looking around to see if anyone noticed (only the people that have been there less than 10 minutes)...they soon will understand how you can fall asleep in a public place in the middle of the day!!!!!!!

I simply can't stay awake any longer in the doctor's office.